I spent the past few days with a raw heart, feeling hurt. My desire to have kids has been REALLY LOUD!
“I WANT them,” the voice in my head screams!
And entering my mid-thirties there’s a part of me that’s also screaming, “But time is running ou
My husband and I talked about this recently (this is not the first time!) and we have different desires. I want to have kids soon! He wants kids, but isn’t sure when. I was feeling hurt during our conversation. Paying attention to my reactions, I noticed my instinct to lash out at him or pull away from him. Looking back I see I’ve had this same instinct from dating all the way through marriage.
The thoughts in my mind say, “Hmmm…It’s not safe to tell him what you’re really thinking. Don’t show him you’re hurt…I’ll just tuck that away and pretend nothing’s happening…”
Oooh… that was a mistake!
What happened when I tried to tuck those feelings away? Well, I was irritable, distant and cold. In some moments I’d suddenly want to attack Tim. In other moments I’d feel so numb that I’d look at Tim and think – who is this man? I remember this happening when I was dating too. Suddenly the man I’d been so attracted to I was ambivalent about. The spark fizzled and I had no idea where it went. Now I see this as a sign that something’s going on under the surface.
And this time, what was under the surface was how vulnerable I felt wanting kids soon when he’s not sure when he wants them.
It can be hard, especially when dating, to know how to bring this up in a way that doesn’t have men run away! I’ve heard dating experts say not to bring up the fact that you want to have kids (soon!) until the 3rd date, or for 3 months. I don’t think that has to be the way you go about it. I do think it’s HOW you go about it. This didn’t work:
The other day I reminded Tim of my timeline. “I want to be pregnant next year,” I said. He responded: “It doesn’t feel like you want to have a kid with me. It feels like it’s more about your time-line.”
My response: “Ouch!” I took a deep breath and checked in with myself… I realized he was right. I had been focusing on time running out, rather than wanting to have a child with him. Of course he wasn’t feeling connected to me.
This did work:
I started telling him why I want to have a family with him. The flood-gates opened. My desire became stronger than ever – painfully strong! My heart started aching and I couldn’t stop crying!
Now you may not cry like this on a first date, but I will say – I’ve done it! Again it’s more about the HOW than the WHAT!
The How is choosing to stay connected. In this second scenario I let Tim into the parts I wanted to hide and felt embarrassed about. And I got vulnerable instead of pushing him away with my intellect (pointing out all the things I think he needs to know – the rate of miscarriage, the average length of time it takes to get pregnant, that pregnancy is actually 10 months…).
What I’ve found is that being irresistible to men, even when you’re hurt or angry, has a lot to do with being vulnerable. From the first meeting! This takes knowing that even if you are rejected or misunderstood, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you!
I’ve shared vulnerable things on a first date – about feeling attracted and wanting to see him again, that it hurt when he had his attention on another woman or that I felt hurt by something he said. This has helped me get to know men a lot better, a lot faster, and has created incredible attraction and connection.
I think it can work to share that you want to have babies at the beginning of a relationship. What it takes to stay close to a man while saying this is 1. being vulnerable 2. bringing your desire and inspiration rather than your fear, dread or pressure that he get on your ride and 3. a willingness to see that this may mean you’re not right for each other.
So, rather than holding back your hurt or anger (or your desire to have babies) trying sharing your heart. This is what has men feel drawn to you. It may feel embarrassing at first, but you’ll find it’s worth the risk because you get to be much closer.
There is an art to this. My husband enthusiastically confirmed that it feels TOTALLY different when I’m vulnerable vs. when I’m not. So here are a couple of hints:
1. Ask for permission: When you’re feeling hurt or angry ask him whether now is an okay time to share. He may be in the middle of a meeting or having a bad day. If now is not a good time, ask him when would be. If you need support or want to share in the moment, call a woman you trust with your emotions!
2. Make sure your sentences start with “I” rather than “You.”: It’s easy when you feel hurt or angry to blame someone else for how you’re feeling. This will not make you irresistible. It will push a man away! You can remind him of what he did or what happened, but focus on letting him know how you’re feeling, rather than what he did.
3. Remember that there is nothing wrong with you when you have intense feelings: When you judge yourself you make it harder to be close to you. You get caught in your head and lose sight of your heart and vulnerability. When you love yourself you let someone be close to you.
Alexis gave some great tips for creating connection with men in her blog too so check those out!
And if you want to be supported by women or discover what you personally are doing to push men away, join us in our Living in Love program. You can read more about it and sign up here…