Ahh… hurt and anger in relationship. They can show up anytime—from the very first date to the end of our lives. It’s nice to fantasize about a relationship without that—a dream lover who will understand your every need and desire, where there is no emotional upset at all.

But in the real world, it’s better to know how to deal with these strong emotions in a way that creates more connection and attraction, rather than destroys them.

We all know what doesn’t work when we’re hurt or angry. In fact, that’s when some of our worst “behavior” comes out!

Does any of this sound like you?

• When you get angry, you lash out, blame or accuse him, even though you’re really feeling hurt
• When you get angry, you withdraw, become cold, and “punish” him
• You cry when you’re really pissed
• You’re so afraid of being hurt or rejected that you don’t say the thing you’re scared to say or approach the guy you really want to meet
• You hide your hurt and anger, so you won’t be “too emotional” for him

Painful, huh? Dealing with our hurt and anger like this never gets us what we want, and will eventually kill love and attraction. So what’s an emotional and passionate creature (i.e. woman) supposed to do when we’re having a bad day—without biting his head off or pretending we’re “fine?”

Being an emotional and passionate woman myself, I get to practice all the time in my relationship. And sometimes I really blow it!

Here is an example of what NOT to do… and how to completely turn that around.

My boyfriend just got hired for a new job where he will be doing things he has never done before. He’s really excited about it, but he’s also been anxious. He gave notice at his current job (which was hard for him), and didn’t know if they’d want him to work those last 2 weeks or leave immediately.

I really wanted him to come to Costa Rica with me for a week, so I was crossing my fingers that he would have time before the new job.

He called me after he resigned and said they didn’t need him to stay for 2 weeks …AND he was not going to come to Costa Rica with me. It felt like too much for him.

I reminded him that his new boss suggested he take more time off and go on vacation with me. When I brought that up, he said “Well, I’m excited about this new job. I’m looking forward to starting.”

After weeks of being supportive while he was stressed out and distracted, waiting to find out how things would turn out, and not knowing if we were going to have any time together, I lost it.

“After all your stress and distraction, you’re telling me you’d rather start work early or sit home doing nothing with your time off than spend time with me on a tropical vacation? WTF!”
I was totally frustrated with him. But, underneath, I also felt really hurt and a little scared. It just didn’t seem important to him to make time for me, for us, and I was afraid of what that meant. So I yelled at him. Ouch.

The results of this weren’t pretty. When we got off the phone, I was still angry, hurt and scared, and he was feeling attacked, misunderstood, and really alone. We ended up resenting each other and feeling really distant.

It turned out he didn’t understand why I was really upset. I was so busy telling him why his not coming to Costa Rica was wrong and why his worries were lame that he had no idea what was really happening for me.

After I cooled off, I realized I had messed up. When I apologized for attacking him, he breathed a big sigh of relief. When I shared my hurt and fear, all his resentment toward me dissolved. I started to cry, and he really understood me. His heart melted and he just held me. He said “This is why I’m with you.”

He didn’t end up coming to Costa Rica with me, but we both felt good about our choices and we had the hottest make-out session at the airport before I flew off!

Here are some tips for dealing with hurt & anger and to create connection with men:

1. Get to the vulnerability and hurt below the anger. There is a time and a place for anger, and it’s important for every woman to have access to her anger. It helps us set our boundaries, keep ourselves safe, and say “enough is enough.” However, many of us tend to get angry when we’re really feeling hurt or scared. It’s a way to protect ourselves or try to control things. When you can drop below your defenses and vulnerably share what’s really going on, he feels like your ally instead of your enemy.
2. Don’t just tell him, show him. Convey your feelings in a way that he can feel it. If you let him see how you’re hurting without attacking him, this evokes his love and compassion. (Tip: Ask for permission first. This makes him much more willing to hear you and receive you.)
3. If you do lash out, make amends. Go back and apologize if you lose your cool and ask to start the conversation again. Then go back to step #1.
4. Get curious. It’s easy to assume that you know what happened—that he doesn’t care about you or wasn’t considering you. We think “Of course he knew this would make me upset! What was he thinking?!” The truth is, you have no idea what was going on for him. Ask and find out… you may save yourself some heartache.

Join us for the Living In Love tele-seminar on July 14th and find out more tips for being irresistible to men when you’re hurt or angry—even on a first date! Find out more and sign up here.

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