This month in the Living In Love program we’ve been exploring How to Have Sex That Meets Your Deepest Heart’s Desires.

As I explored what makes sex delicious, enjo

yable, and satisfying for me, I realized how much of it is up to me, not my lover. It can be both humbling and exciting to admit that it’s my hand on the dial. Exciting, because I can turn the dial up; humbling because its my responsibility to make sex great, and if it isn’t, I know where to look.

There is what I say and do–or don’t say and don’t do–in the bedroom that can make sex either great or terrible. This is when I get to voice my boundaries, listen to my desires, and dance between giving and receiving. We talked about how to communicate during sex in our teleseminar last week. (If you missed it but would like to listen, just sign up for the Living In Love program for $1 and get instant access to all our past tele-seminars).

However, fantastic sex starts way before the bedroom.

There are days when the last thing I feel is sexy or sexual. Although sometimes this is inevitable, usually I look back and see that I’ve made a bunch of poor choices throughout my day or my week that resulted in me feeling less than hot. If I meet my lover from this place, it is a lot of work for both of us to enjoy ourselves.

But when I take care of myself and meet my lover from a place of feeling relaxed, open, sexy and sensual–which is my job to generate–the experience can be delicious.

Here are 3 ways that women regularly sabatoge their sex-lives before they even get into the bedroom:

  1. Being tired and overwhelmed – The truth is, you don’t have the energy to be really turned on when you’re exhausted. Get some sleep girl! It’s also hard to get turned on if your mind is working overtime trying to manage your life. When you’re stuck in your head or working a lot, it can be take a long time to transition into feeling pleasure in your body.
  2. Not following your dreams and desires – When you’re not not listening to what truly makes you happy, life can be miserable! This seems obvious, but its not easy. Doubting you deserve it or can accomplish it, or feeling obligated to makes someone else happy are just a few of the reasons women don’t listen to this inner guidance. However, if you’re not happy, your body can’t hide it.

  3. Criticizing your body – Sex can feel vulnerable in so many ways, not the least of which is taking off our clothes and exposing our bodies. In a culture that idealizes an unrealistic standard for the female body, self-criticism and even hatred for the body is rampant among women.

Many women have told me that they are waiting to begin a relationship or have sex until they lose weight. Inside they’re thinking, “I don’t like how I look… who is going to be attracted to me like this?” This makes me so sad! Our bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and I guarantee there is a man out there who will adore the shape and size you’ve got.

Even better is the fact that the thing men are most attracted to is your energy and how you feel about yourself. If you’re feeling inhibited or critical of your body, its an instant attraction killer, no matter what shape you’re in. Conversely when you love your body, it shows. Men will find you sexy when you feel sexy. Even though there are ways you can sabatoge your sex life, there are also a lot of ways you can magnify your pleasure and sexuality before you even get to the bedroom.

Here are 5 keys to accessing your sexuality and pleasure:

  1. Take care of your health: I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling sick, run down, or out of shape, I don’t feel very sexy. Not only does any fuel any judgments I might have about my body, but I just don’t feel good! For me, taking care of my health is the most important thing I can do to make myself feel sexy. So ask yourself: What else could I do to nourish my health?
  2. The power of breath: Are you breathing? Or are you holding your breath? I find myself holding my breath when I’m holding stress in my body. The relationship teacher David Deida talks about how we can experience pleasure, even in our breath. How would you have to breathe–right now–so that it brings you pleasure? Try it.
  3. Find sensual delight in everyday activities: Just like with the breath, its possible to experience an immense amount of sensual pleasure in ordinary activities. When you’re moving to get somewhere or accomplish something, can you enjoy it? Feel the pleasure of your hips swaying and your arms swinging back and forth as you walk. Notice the delicious sensation of the soap and water on your skin as you wash dishes. All it takes is paying attention.
  4. Wear clothes you feel beautiful in: Have you ever noticed that you only wear a small percentage of the clothes in your closet? No matter how practical I’m trying to be, when I keep clothes that I don’t love, I either don’t wear them… or wish I hadn’t. Adorn yourself in a way that makes you feel sexy and beautiful, whether that’s lingere or a white t-shirt.
  5. Do activities that make you feel sexy:This might be a little shameless flirting at the grocery store, a new haircut, or taking a long bath. Recently, Shana and I decided that we needed a little sexy boost, so we signed up for pole dancing classes. There’s nothing quite like swinging around in pole in a pair of 6 inch stillettos to remind you how hot you are!

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