Have you ever wanted something but felt like you couldn’t ask for it?

Or have you asked for it, but then suddenly felt a man away or get awkward?

Recently, I was having a conversation with a woman about a first date she’d just gone on. She’d been talking to her date on the phone, planning where they’d meet. He asked her if it would be okay to meet at his place. He didn’t want to make the hour-long drive to pick her up after a long day at work.

She felt angry when she heard this: “He doesn’t want to do something inconvenient, but he’s okay with asking me to do it!” She quickly squelched her anger and agreed to meet him at his place. She didn’t want to be pushy, and after all, isn’t that what she should do to make the date to go well?

The truth was she didn’t want to make the drive. She loves it when men come to pick her up. But shouldn’t he have known that? By not letting him know what she really wanted, not only did she not get it, she resented him for it… even before the date got started! In fact, because she said ‘yes’ when she wanted to say ‘no’, she disqualified him as a potential boyfriend, even before she met him.

By saying yes, she didn’t get to see if this was how he would always act or if it was just a really rough day.

Can you relate to this? I certainly can.

I used to have such a hard time asking for what I wanted or expressing my opinions. When I wanted something I thought the other person wouldn’t like, I’d feel stifled and scared. At other times I’d even forget I had desires, and would be almost speechless! I’d say, “okay” to whatever my date suggested…and they had no idea what was going on with me. I felt pretty powerless and small, and I think some of my dates felt bored. Ouch!

There’s a pretty big cost when you don’t ask for what you want. Not only do you feel bad, you don’t give a man an opportunity to give it to you.

When you learn to ask for what you want in a way that feels good to him, you can create deeper connection… and more attraction!

Here’s how you can do that:

1. Get familiar with your desires
Knowing what you want is the hardest part for some women. Many women have been so focused on other people’s needs that they’ve forgotten their own!

Ask yourself: What lights you up? What turns you on? What would feel good, right now?

Asking yourself these questions while you’re on a date can help you stay connected to your desires, even with the nervousness and excitement of meeting someone new. It’s also incredibly sexy to be around a woman who knows what she wants!

2. Do what you want to do… and don’t do what you don’t want to do
Sounds simple, but this can be life changing! Most of us have lots of ideas about what we “should” do, what a “nice person” does, or what would ‘make him like/love me.’ We end up saying ‘yes’ when we don’t want to, and then feel trapped or resentful.

It can also be pretty vulnerable to ask for what we want, because a man might say no. A simple request, like “I’d love it if you would come pick me up for our date,” can bring up some of our deepest fears about being rejected or not liked.

Fears like this are often related to times we’ve been hurt in the past. At AWE workshops we deal with the baggage of old pain, fear and anger so that you can be free of it, once and for all.

3. Share desire in a way that inspires him to give it to you
What happens when you finally ask, but it falls flat, or even worse, he pulls away?

I asked a few men why they wouldn’t want to give a woman what she asks for. Most said they love giving to women… except when they feel like they have to!

The worst, they said, is when they feel nagged, bossed around, or pressured. Then they feel disrespected and not trusted. That’s when men start to tune us out and spend less time with us.

In AWE workshops we dive into all the aspects of how to ask for what we want–in a way that inspires him to want to give it to you.

And the #1 key to asking for what you want from a man is to Appreciate Him. Notice all the ways he is already giving to you and thank him.

And I’ll tell you another secret: The best way to thank a man is to let him make you happy. When I finally understood that most men–on some level–want to be a hero and contribute to my happiness, I realized that I had an ally in men.

Now, when I want something, I can simply say to him, “What would feel really good to me right now is…” because I know that it is important to both of us that I’m feeling good.

By practicing these principles, I’ve completely changed my relationship to my desires and asking for what I want. And the men in my life are grateful for it!

An AWE grad recently reminded me of something that my boyfriend–who is also a member of the AWE men’s team–said at the last AWE intensive. He said: “The way you speak your desires makes me want to move the world for you.”

That made my heart melt…and hers too! Isn’t that what we all want to hear from our man?

What is your relationship to desire and asking for what you want?

You have the opportunity to practice this everyday, whether it’s your first date or your 40th year of marriage. Write to us and tell us about it!

You can email us at info@authenticwomanexperience.com.