There were countless times in my past when I went along with what a man (or boy) wanted sexually, even though it wasn’t what I wanted.

I’m not just talking about sex. There were times when I kissed or hugged even when I didn’t want to. I remember how awful it felt. But I didn’t want to be seen as a prude when I was younger. And I’m sad to say that how other people thought of me felt more important than honoring myself.

As I grew up, the fear changed to thinking that if I didn’t have the same sexual desires as a man, he wouldn’t want me. And while it is possible to be mis-matched sexually, my fear was about individual moments, not an overall way of being.

Looking back it’s amazing how much I held back and kept to myself. I was scared to say when something didn’t feel good, or when I wasn’t in the mood. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I didn’t want him to feel wrong. And I didn’t want to him to leave!

When I look at the basics of what it takes for me to have sex that meets my deepest hearts desires, it’s now obvious that I have to listen to and honor myself – my needs, my desires, my boundaries, my fears, my truth. . . If I don’t, sex doesn’t touch the deep places in my heart or create deep connection with a man.

But as huge as that is, it’s only just the beginning!

Honoring yourself is a foundation, of course, AND it takes more than that to have sex meet your deepest hearts desires.

The first thing that stands out for me is that you can’t have deep, connected sex without telling the truth.

You could actually call truth one of the greatest unknown aphrodisiacs of all time! It’s a big part of what has two people feel truly connected.

Years ago, when I was dating Tim (my husband), I remember trying to hide how I felt when he winked at me in the middle of a conversation.

Winking on its own is fine, but because it was a nervous tick I felt uncomfortable each time he did it. And each time I’d feel my attraction to him fade for a while.

Call me shallow, but I bet you can relate. Sometimes it’s a tone of voice, a gesture, a way of driving…these things honestly affect our attraction.

Attraction or chemistry is often misunderstood as something steady – either there or not with another person. That’s only partly true. It can also arise and fade suddenly. I’ve felt this in my personal relationships and while working with men.

When I finally told Tim about the winking I saw how keeping even small truths from someone can have a big impact on connection and attraction.

And the more important the truths are to you, the more impact they have when we hold them back. If you’re dating a man but not sure if he …

1. Actually wants a committed relationship
2. Wants to have a family
3. Has the same framework for how he views life, politics, etc.

…Or if you feel hurt, misunderstood or distrustful because of something he’s said, and you don’t talk about these things, you’ll create distance between you and you won’t have sex that meets your deepest heart’s desires.

Tim and I recently felt tense and disconnected, and our attraction for each other was feeling low. We started talking about it and realized we weren’t trusting each other about a project we were working on together.

When we told each other the tension faded. We started to trust each other more and feel more connected and attracted to each other. It wasn’t easy for either of us to hear the other’s distrust, but without sharing it our connection and attraction was fading. (Imagine what happens over time!)

So, take a moment and feel what it’s like when feel hurt, distrust or confusion with a man and don’t share it. Then imagine trying to connect sensually or sexually with this in the background. Could you relax? Could you open your heart?

Instead of hiding your truth, start sharing it! It is vulnerable, but otherwise it will continue to be a barrier to connection.

Here are a couple hints about how to tell the truth in a way that creates more connection…

1. Sink into the vulnerable truth beneath your self-protection.  Share your emotions. Check in to see if there is something deeper or more vulnerable than you’re admitting. (Sometimes anger covers up sadness. Or sadness covers up anger!)
2. Rather than blaming, use I statements. Let him know what it was like for you when, for example, he said he didn’t have time to see you, but then talked about having a lot of free time.
3. Don’t wait until you have it all worked out to share it. It’s okay to be messy  and let him know when you’re scared to share something. Ask if he’d be willing to have compassion for you if you can’t quite get your words “right,” or if it takes you a while to know what is true for you.
4. Remember that even if hurts, truth will help you have what you really want. Life is short and you never get time back. Take a risk!

And if you want help discovering what is really true for you & what you’ve been holding back with men, or seeing what gets in the way of having sex that meets your deepest hearts desires, join us this month for Living in Love.  Click here to read more and sign up….