The other day I turned a connection with my man that was about to go bad into a heart melting and healing experience.
You too can turn a connection that’s more shallow or disconnected than you want, whether with a new man or a man you’re in relati
onship with, into one that is deep, builds trust, and even sparks attraction and passion!
Here’s how it went for me:
San Francisco, California
10:00 pm after a long day of work
I had worked all day and was recuperating from leading a workshop. At 10:00 I’m laying on the couch feeling exhausted.
My husband, Tim, walks in the door feeling great and wanting to share the excitement of his day with me!
We sit together on the couch talking. He’s touching my arm in a way I often like to be touched.
Pause – If you are a woman you may relate! When I say “a way I often like to be touched,” the truth is that this changes moment to moment. It depends on my mood, the temperature outside, what I’ve eaten that day, where I am in my menstrual cycle, how much I slept the night before, etc. :) (Sorry men! I know this doesn’t make things easy for you!)
So, Tim was lightly running his fingers up and down my inner forearm. But for some reason, I was getting more tense, rather than relaxing.
Here’s how I saved us from an evening, or a week ;), of fighting and misunderstanding.
First I want to highlight the ways this could have gone very bad. They may be familiar to you!
- If I had let him keep touching me, but wasn’t enjoying it, I may have zoned out, even if I was trying to stay connected. It wouldn’t be long until he would feel rejected or even resentful.Then he’d probably have some judgments about me like, “She doesn’t open to me the way she used to,” OR “other women respond to me, what’s wrong with her?” Or judgments about himself like, “I’m not a good lover,” or “I’m doing something wrong.”And I would have had judgments like “he doesn’t know how I like to be touched” or “I’m destined to a life-time of not being touched the way I like.”
A bit dramatic, yes, but have these thoughts ever crossed your mind?
Another way it could have gone bad would be
- If I let him know, in an irritable tone, that I didn’t like the way he was touching me. Then he may have felt hurt or angry that I wasn’t appreciating his attempt to do something nice for me.And I probably would have felt my truth rejected and judged him for being too sensitive, or maybe made myself wrong for not wanting what he was generously giving.Can you relate? When you’re dating or in a relationship you won’t always want the same things as the man you’re with.
Here’s how I helped us avoid suffering and frustration and create connection and healing. It was simple, but vulnerable.:
I told Tim that the way he was touching me wasn’t matching the way I wanted to be touched in that moment. And even though I was nervous that he’d feel hurt or angry, I asked if he would just hold me, without moving his hands.
We sat on the couch and he put his arms around me and held me. I rested my head on his chest and my whole body melted.
I started crying as I realized how much that was the exact way I wanted to be held. I also realized that since I was a teenager, I’d felt like guys didn’t want to touch me the way I wanted – that they only wanted to touch me in ways that moved us closer to sex.
Receiving the kind of touch I was craving helped me heal these fears and beliefs I had been holding onto for years! (Even with an amazing husband, some of these beliefs hold on tight!)
It’s funny that when I work with men I remind them that giving a woman the kind of touch she wants, rather than what is stereotypically sensual or sexual, will have her feel safer, more connected and often more turned on!
As my nervous system calmed down, I felt Tim’s love for me and my heart melted even more. And as my breath deepened, I felt more sensual and open to a sexual connection. For the rest of the evening we were really connected. And it’s important to look at how I helped create that!
So what’s your part in creating heart melting, body sizzling connections?
While you probably want a man to melt your heart and turn you on (who doesn’t?), the truth is that it takes a few things on our side to make that happen. It goes much faster when you guide a man by letting him know what feels good and what doesn’t.
Here are the 4 C’s you can use to guide a man:
Connection, Compassion, Courage, Communication
- Stay in Connection with your body. As you notice the sensations in your body, check to see whether you are tense or relaxed and feeling pleasure. If you are feeling tense, ask yourself what else you would enjoy right now.
- Have Compassion for yourself. It can be awkward and uncomfortable when someone is not in sync with you or you feel misunderstood. Remember that there is no other way you “should” be. If you don’t like what’s happening, it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.
- Have the Courage to Communicate about what’s happening. It can feel risky and vulnerable to let a man know what you want, but if you don’t, he won’t get to know you and your body.
We go into the art of communicating with a man in a way that doesn’t push him away in our Irresistible Woman workshop.
One tip for now:
You don’t always have to know what you want. I’ve said to a man “I want something, but I’m not quite sure what it is. Will you help me figure it out?”
Inviting a man to be on the same team, to help you figure this out, helps him feel involved and powerful!
For more on this topic check out our Irresistible Woman Workshop. And please write questions and comments below. Let us know how you apply this in your life!