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18 Responses to When being positive may not attract your man!

  1. LELEHNIA says:

    I haven’t watch before just kinds sloughed ya off …sorry…but I have to say your advice to her was fantastic! I think women are trying a little too hard to be “positive” and NEED to work more on being authentic!!!!:)))) I am working working on it:)

  2. Jonathan says:

    Congratulations on your first video blog! How cool is that? Great work!

    And what you’re saying — yes, yes, yes! A woman who can authentically be with her emotions, and even be playful with them in a conversation, is sooo attractive.

  3. Jahaira says:

    Hey Shana. Great blog. Being optimistic doesn’t mean we have to pretend. Our genuine feelings need to be put out there as well. A lot of times, once you express it, it may seem ridiculous it may seem to no longer to be true in very moment after you put it into words. When I was trying to attract a man into my life, I would feel the optimism FULLY, dancing around my apartment and singing loudly to songs that inspired love in me. When I felt down or pessimistic, I’d feel into that emotion AS WELL and I’d question what I was believing that was bringing that emotion about.
    I found my lover 3 months into my journey.
    Shortly after, I discovered he is an AMP man!

  4. Katy says:

    This was great advice and a great way to experience it. I notice I almost always keep this happy bubbly persona up when I’m talking to men in general because I’m afraid if I’m not happy and smiling that they won’t want to be with me. Do you have any exercise to help get me out of this “must be perfect” place and more into “this is me… hello”?

  5. Shana says:

    Amazing women,

    I am curious about your experiences and what you have to say about this! Please share with us.

    With love,

  6. Mary says:

    As American women growing up in the 50’s and 60’s, it seems we were ‘conditioned’ to always have the
    “happy face on”, as if it wasn’t o.k. to be feeling certain feelings, and acknowledging our own needs.
    We had to be happy and cheerful and cute and sweet so those around us could feel o.k. about themselves.
    This sucks! (in retrospect) and I am one to cover my true self in the pleasant smiling face, because any other emotion/feeling is just not acceptable.
    After a lifetime of doing this, shoving the real me (who sometimes just wants to ‘let it rip’) under the veil of pleasantness, I only find frustration and a grand lonliness. My fear is when I truly show my authentic self,
    speaking my mind, and being raw with emotions, feelings, thoughts, and actions, people leave. As if anything other than ‘status quo’ behaviour is just not acceptable in this society, and once again we as women are forced to comply to an unspoken yet quite present schemata of being.

  7. Shana says:

    Hi Katy,

    Great question – how to move from the this/I “must be perfect” place more into “this is me!” place.

    You can start noticing what you think you should do or say, and then check in to see what is true for you in that moment.

    It can be risky to share those thoughts, needs and desires so a great place to start is with people you know and trust – your good friends.

    Having compassion for yourself is really important! And acknowledging that you feel what you feel, when you feel it (even when you’d rather not) is something that keeps me feeling more sane.

    Remember, men are human too! Sharing your emotions and truth creates more space for them to do the same. I’ve found that when I am willing to say or show what is really going on, men are more likely to admit their humanness and share with me as well!

    With love,

    The first place to start is by having I would try

  8. Anne says:

    Hi Shana. I want to share that recently I have been dating a man who I really love and on one date he spoke about possibly moving away to find a job. Instead of getting defensive or pretending I just spoke my truth which was simply. I’m sad. And then I cried. We were in the car at the time and he was driving but when we got to our destination he just scooped me up into his arms and hugged me. My sadness disappeared and we had a great day together. I can’t tell you that my authenticity had him suddenly commit to our relationship, but I can say how much more rewarding the experience was for me and quite possible for him. No pretending! What freedom and what a satisfying hug!

  9. Rosie Hirst says:

    Great advice, so affirming, thankyou. Having been raised in the 60s I completely relate to the post above about having to be “cheerful no matter what” so that others were comfortable. It takes new learning to be able to express what is there, and I’m learning…but how refreshing it is to be authentic; + so often once expressed, the feeling does change. I have been seeing a man I really like who is in the first stages of a new career. His time is limited + I don’t yet know if we will be able to build a relationship. I do know that expressing what is there for me in the moment is what connects me to me when I am with him. It’s not easy to stay present to the moment when that longing is strong for this person, yet continuing to share my feelings seems to keep us both present. It’s a great enquiry + worth the risk.

  10. Betsy says:

    I also was raised in the 50’s and 60’s and have worked for the last 6 years on being more authentic and recognizing feelings. (I never was able to express them before and didn’t know what I was feeling.)

    I have been able to identify what I am feeling, and then I am able to express it later rather than when it happens. This is a big step for me. I am working on stating it when I feel it.

    I met a man, the first one that I had chemistry with and also thought he had a lot of what I was looking for. He withdrew after 3 great dates. Through emails, I have told him I don’t want to be a “back-up”. I have told him I am wasting my time and that I have better things to do. He then, after 8 weeks, asked me our again.

    I think he has a lot of women running after him. I was authentic.

  11. Betsy says:

    I would really like it if you could turn up the volume on your next blog. I had my computer speakers on as high as they would go, and had to strain to hear it. What do you think?


  12. Raquel says:

    I have to say that, as I first watched this video, I was a bit astounded, because I have been wondering a lot about this very topic for awhile now – about feeling and expressing the full range of my emotions in a relationship. Several months ago, I broke up with a man who would freak out whenever I expressed any emotion that wasn’t “positive” – he was so focused on how “negative” I was being, that he couldn’t address the issues and we couldn’t move forward. He even tried to tell me that I was being “emotionally abusive” to him (believe me, I wasn’t!).
    For a long time after the break up, I questioned if there had been something wrong with my expressing those things, thinking that perhaps I shouldn’t have – which I now think is a terrible way to be in relationship. If we are just putting on a happy face all the time, then we aren’t learning or growing, only stagnating. I am glad this man is gone because he was limiting me to a two-dimensional existence.
    It has been a long road, but I am seeing now that my instinct – TO SHARE my natural and whole range of emotions with him – was perfectly healthy. And now I can look forward to meeting and being with someone who not only allows me to express all the colors of the rainbow, but actually values that!

  13. Shana says:

    Hi again!

    Raquel – I am so happy hear that you see that sharing your whole range of emotions is healthy!

    There are times when we express ourselves and find that a man cannot meet us in our fullness. It is great to know when to move on.

    We are also teachers for men. We can support them in learning how to hold and meet us in our fullness. It is extremely powerful to relate to a man from a place of compassion for yourself and him, and having the awareness to guide him to grow in his ability to meet you. Most men do not learn this growing up!

    When we express our emotions in a way that shames or blames a man, it makes sense he then wouldn’t want to meet us there. That tends to happen when we have shame about our emotions – then our expression comes out kinked or twisted. Then rather than teaching or guiding a man to be with our expression, we explode or throw a tantrum (I have done this!)

    There is an art to expressing our emotions in a way that creates connection with a man, rather than distance or disconnection.

    Thank you women for sharing what you are taking from this blog post and for sharing about your life and experiences. We all learn from one another. We need the lessons other women bring us.

    With love & pleasure,

  14. Karma says:

    Thank you Shana, I like the way you present that all emotions are important. I have been showing more vulnerability around men and it has really awakened my kundalini!!!
    I believe it is important to have a balance of emotions, both parties. I have dated men who are only showing positive energy, and I ‘tested’ the waters by sharing a story about myself that was not positive, only to not feel heard at all! Which was great because I realized that we really weren’t suited for each other (and I think he did as well).
    Facetiously, I find it a bit distressing how many ‘sad’ men I’ve encountered and wonder why, perhaps I am not addressing a sadness in myself? I find it hard to deal with, I find myself tuning out and not listening to them. What is your opinion about men who talk about having alot of sadness? These are men I’ve mostly only recently met/dated/befriended.
    Thank You!

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