I went all the way to Croatia to coach a client. He is an incredible man who wants real connections with everyone in his life and an honest, vulnerable relationship with a woman.

(I meet incredible men all over the world. Might be time to start match-making! Want his phone #?)

We went to a club one night so he could practice staying present, in his body and connected to women, even if he felt embarrassed, turned on or self-conscious.The club was gorgeous! It was NYC style, with the latest and most stylish decorations. It was pretty empty when we arrived. I saw a few decked out, beautiful, tall, young women and felt a bit like an outsider, but I was feeling all right…Until…

Until I took a walk to the bathroom. My simple black dress and casual boots (my hot pair ripped when I was getting dressed) felt like rags compared to what other women were wearing.

In the tiny 3 by 5 foot bathroom I stood in a sea of 20 of these tall, thin beautifully put together women. I felt like I was 13 years old again.

I could hardly look in the mirror as I washed my hands. I almost burst into tears right there! I realized I was having a sudden case of the “uglies,” comparing myself with other women and doubting my beauty and worth.

This doesn’t happen often anymore, but I’m not surprised it did then, in a room full of beautiful women, halfway across the world

I squeezed through the mob of people (who arrived as I had been chatting outside with my client and his two friends). When I reached them I let out a huge sigh and a few tears rolled down my cheeks.

They asked what was going on. “They are all so beautiful,” I said. I feel so self-conscious.

I knew I could have tried to hide what I was feeling and gone on with the night, but I really value being honest with men and letting them into a woman’s world.

Part of what I do when I coach men is teach them how to respond to a woman’s emotions so she feels seen and appreciated. Many men feel scared, anxious and have no idea how to do this.

So, I consciously chose to feel it all and share it. It was vulnerable, especially with men I don’t know well, especially in another culture. But I don’t think hiding does anyone much good.

And I am willing to be vulnerable so these men ( and others) can have more connection and intimacy with women.I also do it for the women these men interact and create relationships with (Sisterhood)!!

As vulnerable as it is to do this it also heals my heart every time. If a man disrespects me, I stand up for myself and the rightness of my feelings. I dig deeper into my own strength and love for myself, remembering there is absolutely nothing wrong with me! :) If a man embraces my emotions, my heart relaxes a bit more.

These 3 Croatian men, in a Croatian night club, listened to me. Then they said they were grateful to be with me, and they appreciated the substance of the conversations we were having. They said they would choose substance over shallow beauty, any day.

My belief in men, though already high, went up a few notches.

To support men as much as I can I do my best to express my emotions AND have the presence of mind to know and ask for the kind of attention and listening I want.

This is a skill that has enabled me to go from alienating men when I express emotions to creating deep, powerful, irresistible connections.

Learn the steps to cultivate this skill here. Without it you are likely to feel unseen and misunderstood with men.

This skill inspires men to step into their power and give you what you need, right then in the moment. It has also had many men feel intrigued and want more of me (in the good way!). Men have even said it is a big part of what had them fall in love with me!

I hope this inspires you to take a risk and share your emotions, rather than hide them. I’d love to hear your stories as you do. And I’d love to see your comments below!

What would make it easier for you to start sharing your emotions?

With love & pleasure,
Shana


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10 Responses to I cried in a bar with 3 Croatian men. They said I was beautiful!

  1. Envious about Croatia! says:

    Sigh… Croatia…went there for a friend’s wedding & the memories?…. but I digress. What a beautiful setting to letting the hot men (its not only the women that are beautiful ;-) ;-) ) see your inner beauty. I agree that was bold, on one guy seems ‘bad’ enough, on three!!! Good on you, I won’t feel so crazy next time I feel all emotional, and yes phone number please. I need a reason to justify another trip out there so soon :)

  2. Naomi Colb says:

    I am inspired by your share and reminded to ride that edge of sharing my feelings while owning that they are simply mine. I am having them as part of my wealthy and self-loving experience. I do not have to have low self -esteem over feeling other than joyous all the time. Being vulnerable does not mean others will think less of me.

    In the past, I would have hidden any discomfort under my emotional armor causing that empty feeling of disconnection:(

  3. Katie says:

    Thank you so much for sharing this, Shana.

    I’m remembering an ASF games night a few years ago where I walked in feeling so awesome about myself. I knew I looked hot and was an amazing woman in so many ways. And, all the other women there were amazing and looked hot. And we were telling each other this. And the men were responding to us in such fun and loving ways and I felt no competition or need to negatively compare myself to anyone.

    Then I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and saw “too much” tummy. Out of nowhere, I was suddenly less than, not good enough. I turned to my partner at the time and asked him if I could have a kind of neurotic favor. When he said yes, I said “even if you have to lie, will you tell me I’m beuatiful?” He said, “You are the most beautiful woman here, and I would NEVER lie to you.” I absolutely know in my heart he was, indeed, telling the truth.

    I think what made it easier for me to share my emotions was knowing I deserved to ask for what I needed at the time and that, even if my request was denied, I would still be ok.

    I’m currently very much practicing remembering I will be OK, even if other people (esp. men) can’t always live up to what I want.

    Thanks for being you.

  4. Shana,

    Loved this.

    When women are open, expressive, and trust in the man’s ability to hold them, there is really nothing more sexy. I’m not surprised guys fall in love with you. Oh, and those women have nothing on u (I know u know that). Tall, skinny girls in fancy boots are only nice to look at from afar. What really turns us men on is sharing your heart and allowing yourself to be seen. So, I love what you do, and hope to make it up to SF sometime soon!

    Aaron

  5. Rosie Hirst says:

    Thankyou so much for sharing this Shana. What you have modelled for us is that , despite the storm of emotion within, it is simple to share yourself truthfully and vulnerably. Simple, not easy! though like many emotional risks, the more we do it , the easier it gets…..though the risk is always there. Thankyou for giving men the chance to shine, + giving us the chance to see that we can do that too, and everyone wins. I love what you are doing…..even moreso when I look at the future implications……that the next generation may see this behaviour modelled in their families. I know it will start small, but it WILL reach critical mass sometime in the next generation. Thankyou again for making the difference that you do.

  6. Bill Burke says:

    Ms. Shana,

    Deep gratitude to you for sharing this story of leadership-by-tenderness.

    You and Alexis and the Women of AWE continue to amaze and inspire.

    It takes a moment or two. And it takes the pleasure from inside your goddess-head to leave the way open.

    Thank you for bringing your full presence and e couraging all to do the same. Especially for the men you meet — who soon become their own Authentic Selves.

    Namaste

  7. Caroline says:

    This was a beautiful story and such a great reminder to be open and honest and vulnerable. I truly enjoyed meeting you women the other night in LA. I love what you are about and cherish the gifts you bring to the world.

  8. Natalie DuMont says:

    Beautiful. Thank you for being you, Shana.
    Enormous love,
    Natalie

  9. dianea kohl says:

    Yes,
    what you did was heartfelt love…and I am a psychotherapist who writes books on how tears heal into more love. My license plate is CRYBABE. So, we are babes in the best sense of that word!
    It is great to see others being vulnerable and helping the world toBE moreso..as it is the key to healing into deeper LOVE!

  10. Shana says:

    Thank you all for your responses! It is so powerful to be vulnerable and risk sharing ourselves. It’s funny, there have been times when I was afraid to share, I got up the courage and it was not received well.

    In those moments, on the brink of what I thought would be a melt-down, I sometimes felt empowered and clear. I remembered it didn’t matter what someone else thought of me.

    And when it was time for a melt-down or a welling up of emotions, I called a girlfriend!

    Here’s to taking risks and creating what we truly want!

    With love,
    Shana

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