These days we live in a custom order world. We can custom order our food, houses, furniture, fabrics, phones…It's amazing to be able to desire, or envision, something and then often and easily find it!

Nowadays we don't even have to leave our house to look for it. We type a few words on a computer, or even a phone, and click(!), order placed!

But how about when it comes to relationship? Does all this custom ordering keep us from really having the love we want?

I went into Peet's coffee the other day and had a "choice moment." I was having a tough day and walked in there for something warm and comforting. (We can discuss filling emptiness or stress with addictions later ;)

What did I want? A mocha? A latte? Hot chocolate? Soy milk? Whole milk? 2%? Decaf? 1/2 caf? Whipped cream? Small? Medium? How much sugar, dairy and caffeine did I want to ingest that afternoon, in my custom order way? 

I began to wonder what impact the custom order menus have on our relationships! I'd choose you, handsome man, if it weren't for your receding hairline. Or I'd choose you, intelligent man, if you were taller. Or I'd choose you, man with a great sense of humor, if you were more sporty.

We clearly can't custom order people. But does our custom order world give us a sense of power to have things our way, and set us up for disappointment in our relationships?

I am a fan of intention, attention, manifestation…to a point. Having desires for the kind of person you want to be in relationship with is truly important. It's powerful, even necessary, to get clear about what's most important to you.

But then, can you let the less important menu items stop clouding your vision? Can you look beyond first glances and give someone a chance who you might have overlooked? 

Can you remember, if you're already in a relationship, that just because you can custom order your latte doesn't mean another person will meet all (or even most) of your needs?

When I set some of my less important desires aside, things often worked out. Most of the guys I dated who didn't start out with a fashion sense developed one over the years. I dated one guy who seemed not to be a "kissing match," but we talked 

about our kissing styles and showed each other how we each liked to be kissed. Kissing became fun and hot. 

My husband is so much of what I always wanted in a man, but let's be honest, he isn't everything! 

Tim is excited to raise our child to express himself, rather than be who we think he should be. Tim doesn't have a great sense of direction.

Tim listens intently to what I say and feel. He is more emotionally tuned in than any man I know. Tim is not fond of planning trips or dates and he can't stand Valentines Day.

I'm sure you catch my drift. 

If you're willing, over the next few weeks, try this: Get clear about 3-5 things that are really important to you and let the rest of your custom order go. 

It goes against the "law of manifestation." But think about it, if you become too comfortable having everything you want, exactly how you want it, you squash the uniqueness with which life and people can show up for you. 

I'm curious what will happen for you. Let us know! 

And let me know what you think about custom ordering and the impact on our relationships. Leave a comment below. 


With love, 


Share →

7 Responses to Your Custom-Order Man?

  1. Noga Vilozny says:

    This is so true!! …Leaving us to be surprised and blessed!

    :) Love, ~Noga
    *** Get bitten & smitten ;) by "Love Bites" at

  2. sophie says:

    what a great message – I see it as loving the 'whole person' as NO ONE is perfect and remembering to do it !!

  3. joui says:

    Wonderful Shana. Getting caught on perfection is not honoring the wholeness that each of us brings, and that includes the light and the dark. I think the more compassion we can have for our 'short comings' and our 'imperfections' then the more we can be open and invite true and deep love into our lives.

  4. Manca says:

    Thank you for that post Shana. 'Tim is not fond of planning trips or dates' made me smile and think I'm not the only one experiencing a frustration with boyfriends who are not too keen to organize fun activities for spending time together.:)

  5. Laura says:

    Great points, Shana! Thanks for this reminder. What you're saying also reminds me of Dan Savage's "Price of Admission" talk.  Here's the link to the video if you're interested:

  6. Molly says:

    Shana, thank you for sharing these insights. I think the belief in manifesting a perfect (or nearly perfect) match has been keeping me from creating love with someone. You're right. It's in the acceptance of another person in their entirety – the good, the bad, and the ugly – that we truly love and are loved.
    Laura, Dan Savage's post is a perfect echo of this. Thank you!

  7. Shana says:

    Yes Dan Savage says it well. To me it seems like a mature way of looking at love relationships. Also brilliant to call the other into his/her best and be willing to step into your best because someone expects it of you!

    Thanks amazing women! Let us know what you discover. If you are already in a relationship I’m also curious how this will go for you.

    With love,


Forgot Password?

Join Us

Password Reset
Please enter your e-mail address. You will receive a new password via e-mail.