I (Shana) have been back in the world of dating and remembering just how vulnerable it can feel to put yourself out there, not knowing if you’ll be liked or chosen. I’ve noticed a fear come up that sounds like:
“Oh my god, goddess, whoever I can exclaim or proclaim to. Please don’t let me look like a fool.”
Ugh! I have heard myself and other women say this so many times!
I fell into this mindset recently when deciding whether or not to text a man I’d been on a date with. I wondered whether I would look foolish, or even desperate, if I sent him a message before he replied to my last one.
“AAAAAAAH! I can NOT believe you’re even considering this,” a member of the inner-critic team chimed in. “You’re a 37 year old woman, not a high school student. Why are you wasting your time when you should be focusing on so many more important things?”
Then I heard a voice, from deep within. She said:
“Your heart is HUGE. Your love is DEEP. Your care is WIDE.”
“Some people,” she said, “won’t have the capacity to receive the amount of care and love you put out there, but you don’t have to tone yourself down or make up rules to not look like a fool. Share all the love you have.”
With tears rolling down my face it struck me that I’ve held onto a specific definition of fool:
1. A woman expresses her love and ends up looking stupid because she isn’t loved in return.
The dictionary defines FOOL as:
1. One who is deficient in judgment, sense, or understanding
2. One who acts unwisely on a given occasion
3. One who has been tricked or made to appear ridiculous
4. A person who acts unwisely or imprudently; a silly person
So then I wonder…
Am I silly when I text a man to ask how his day is going?
Am I deficient in judgment, sense or understanding when I tell him I wish I could see him tonight?
Am I acting unwisely when I let him see my joy when he kisses me?
The more I sit with it the more it seems foolish to hold back my love, or care, when I feel it. The more I think about it, life is too frickin’ short for that!
And when I hold back my love, then other people do the same.
I am hereby changing my definition of what it means to be a fool in love:
The way to be a FOOL in love is to hold on tight, reign it in and let it eat me up inside.
It is to assume that everyone else has it together and I’m messier or worse off.
It is to hold back my appreciation in an attempt gain power over another.
It is to harden my heart so I won’t get hurt.
It is to ask for something only when I know I will get it.
I am not a fool when I love freely, and neither are you, amazing woman!
So, what if we lead with our hearts, no matter what? Whether or not we receive love in return?
What if we share our truth, attraction and desire without waiting for him to do it first?
The more I’ve come to respect and admire myself, the clearer I am that someone would be incredibly lucky to receive my love. And if someone doesn’t want me in return then it’s not meant to be. That does NOT make me a fool!
Being the one to express care, desire, truth and love, especially in the face of the unknown and with the possibility of rejection, is actually an act of courage!
But in order to be that courageous, you have to love yourself enough to be able to risk the possibility of rejection. Self-love is key! And that’s why Alexis and I were inspired to create a “Self-Love Special. We’re opening up a few spots in our individual coaching practices to support women to transform the inner judgements and doubt that keeps you holding back in love. We’ll send out the details soon, so keep an eye out!
For now, I’d love to know how you are going to practice setting aside your fear to love more freely and fully.
Inspire us and all women with your courageous ideas here.
And feel free to ask questions here too…