Or, you get the opposite:  everything falls apart and it all happens at once. You lose your job, your pet iguana dies, and the cute guy you’ve been seeing says he needs a break. I’ve been in this boat many times. I’m sure you have too.

Imagine you have a beautiful gift basket, full of money, wonderful food, and the promise of love. You have been told to choose one very special and deserving woman to give this gift to.

The first woman walks into the room, and you tell her you would like to give her this gift. She crosses her arms, raises an eyebrow, and says “Huh. Why? I haven’t done anything to deserve this. There must be something you’re not telling me.”

The next woman walks in the door. You tell her you have a gift basket that you would like to give her.  She smiles, looks you in the eye, and says, “Wow, this is so wonderful – I can’t wait to enjoy this beautiful gift. Thank you!”

Who would you rather give the basket to?  It’s a no-brainer, right? The second woman, of course!

When you are truly open to new possibilities and opportunities, the world – and men – respond.

When you are operating from a place of confidence and power, people can sense it – it’s much more attractive than cynicism. When you are feeling abundant – regardless of what’s happening in your life – you will notice that love, money, and joy seem to flow through you and into your life effortlessly, as if by magic.

The same effect occurs when you are feeling overwhelmed, fearful, and desperate; negative experiences seem to come into your life, one right after another. You start thinking thoughts like: “Nobody really enjoys my company, they’re just being polite”; “The economy sucks, I won’t find a job”; “I’ll never find the right guy, he just doesn’t exist.” When you operate from a position of fear, you draw experiences that reflect your fears into your life. When you operate from a position of abundance and power, you draw experiences that reflect these feelings into your life.

So how do you reach a position of abundance from a position of scarcity and fear? To be open to receiving, you need to break the cycle of negative emotions and desperation.

If you are feeling lonely, fearful and closed-off from new opportunities, take out your journal and follow these 3 steps to get you started on your path towards abundance and joy:

1. Find Your Desire: If you’re feeling scared, shut down, or like things just aren’t going your way, I guarantee there’s something you want instead. Ask yourself what you really desire right now: “I want my boss to notice what a good job I’m doing;” “ I want to feel gorgeous right now;” “ I want to meet a really great man.” The feeling of scarcity is actually pointing to a wealth of desire!
2. Enjoyment is the Key: After you discover what you really want, can you enjoy the experience of wanting it? Desire can either bring you pain, or bring you pleasure… its all up to you. If you can enjoy your desires, it becomes woven into the fabric of enjoying your life. And what else could feel more like abundance than joy? In reality, the feeling of abundance is a hair’s-breadth away from the feeling of scarcity. You can practice right now!
3. Get Grateful: One of the most powerful emotions you can use to diminish feelings of fear is gratitude. Take some time to write about all the things in your life you are grateful for. Embrace this feeling of gratitude for a few minutes (or longer!) and really revel in it.

Once you have opened yourself up, abundance can flow – uninterrupted – into your life. So whether you want a boat-load of money, a promotion, some time off, or a fantastic, handsome man, just open your heart and get ready to receive the abundance that is out there waiting for you. You may be surprised to find what you’ll find inside your gift basket!

Or have you asked for it, but then suddenly felt a man away or get awkward?

Recently, I was having a conversation with a woman about a first date she’d just gone on. She’d been talking to her date on the phone, planning where they’d meet. He asked her if it would be okay to meet at his place. He didn’t want to make the hour-long drive to pick her up after a long day at work.

She felt angry when she heard this: “He doesn’t want to do something inconvenient, but he’s okay with asking me to do it!” She quickly squelched her anger and agreed to meet him at his place. She didn’t want to be pushy, and after all, isn’t that what she should do to make the date to go well?

The truth was she didn’t want to make the drive. She loves it when men come to pick her up. But shouldn’t he have known that? By not letting him know what she really wanted, not only did she not get it, she resented him for it… even before the date got started! In fact, because she said ‘yes’ when she wanted to say ‘no’, she disqualified him as a potential boyfriend, even before she met him.

By saying yes, she didn’t get to see if this was how he would always act or if it was just a really rough day.

Can you relate to this? I certainly can.

I used to have such a hard time asking for what I wanted or expressing my opinions. When I wanted something I thought the other person wouldn’t like, I’d feel stifled and scared. At other times I’d even forget I had desires, and would be almost speechless! I’d say, “okay” to whatever my date suggested…and they had no idea what was going on with me. I felt pretty powerless and small, and I think some of my dates felt bored. Ouch!

There’s a pretty big cost when you don’t ask for what you want. Not only do you feel bad, you don’t give a man an opportunity to give it to you.

When you learn to ask for what you want in a way that feels good to him, you can create deeper connection… and more attraction!

Here’s how you can do that:

1. Get familiar with your desires
Knowing what you want is the hardest part for some women. Many women have been so focused on other people’s needs that they’ve forgotten their own!

Ask yourself: What lights you up? What turns you on? What would feel good, right now?

Asking yourself these questions while you’re on a date can help you stay connected to your desires, even with the nervousness and excitement of meeting someone new. It’s also incredibly sexy to be around a woman who knows what she wants!

2. Do what you want to do… and don’t do what you don’t want to do
Sounds simple, but this can be life changing! Most of us have lots of ideas about what we “should” do, what a “nice person” does, or what would ‘make him like/love me.’ We end up saying ‘yes’ when we don’t want to, and then feel trapped or resentful.

It can also be pretty vulnerable to ask for what we want, because a man might say no. A simple request, like “I’d love it if you would come pick me up for our date,” can bring up some of our deepest fears about being rejected or not liked.

Fears like this are often related to times we’ve been hurt in the past. At AWE workshops we deal with the baggage of old pain, fear and anger so that you can be free of it, once and for all.

3. Share desire in a way that inspires him to give it to you
What happens when you finally ask, but it falls flat, or even worse, he pulls away?

I asked a few men why they wouldn’t want to give a woman what she asks for. Most said they love giving to women… except when they feel like they have to!

The worst, they said, is when they feel nagged, bossed around, or pressured. Then they feel disrespected and not trusted. That’s when men start to tune us out and spend less time with us.

In AWE workshops we dive into all the aspects of how to ask for what we want–in a way that inspires him to want to give it to you.

And the #1 key to asking for what you want from a man is to Appreciate Him. Notice all the ways he is already giving to you and thank him.

And I’ll tell you another secret: The best way to thank a man is to let him make you happy. When I finally understood that most men–on some level–want to be a hero and contribute to my happiness, I realized that I had an ally in men.

Now, when I want something, I can simply say to him, “What would feel really good to me right now is…” because I know that it is important to both of us that I’m feeling good.

By practicing these principles, I’ve completely changed my relationship to my desires and asking for what I want. And the men in my life are grateful for it!

An AWE grad recently reminded me of something that my boyfriend–who is also a member of the AWE men’s team–said at the last AWE intensive. He said: “The way you speak your desires makes me want to move the world for you.”

That made my heart melt…and hers too! Isn’t that what we all want to hear from our man?

What is your relationship to desire and asking for what you want?

You have the opportunity to practice this everyday, whether it’s your first date or your 40th year of marriage. Write to us and tell us about it!

You can email us at info@authenticwomanexperience.com.

As I explored what makes sex delicious, enjoyable, and satisfying for me, I realized how much of it is up to me, not my lover. It can be both humbling and exciting to admit that it’s my hand on the dial. Exciting, because I can turn the dial up; humbling because its my responsibility to make sex great, and if it isn’t, I know where to look.

There is what I say and do–or don’t say and don’t do–in the bedroom that can make sex either great or terrible. This is when I get to voice my boundaries, listen to my desires, and dance between giving and receiving. We talked about how to communicate during sex in our teleseminar last week. (If you missed it but would like to listen, just sign up for the Living In Love program for $1 and get instant access to all our past tele-seminars).

However, fantastic sex starts way before the bedroom.

There are days when the last thing I feel is sexy or sexual. Although sometimes this is inevitable, usually I look back and see that I’ve made a bunch of poor choices throughout my day or my week that resulted in me feeling less than hot. If I meet my lover from this place, it is a lot of work for both of us to enjoy ourselves.

But when I take care of myself and meet my lover from a place of feeling relaxed, open, sexy and sensual–which is my job to generate–the experience can be delicious.

Here are 3 ways that women regularly sabatoge their sex-lives before they even get into the bedroom:

1. Being tired and overwhelmed – The truth is, you don’t have the energy to be really turned on when you’re exhausted. Get some sleep girl! It’s also hard to get turned on if your mind is working overtime trying to manage your life. When you’re stuck in your head or working a lot, it can be take a long time to transition into feeling pleasure in your body.
2. Not following your dreams and desires – When you’re not not listening to what truly makes you happy, life can be miserable! This seems obvious, but its not easy. Doubting you deserve it or can accomplish it, or feeling obligated to makes someone else happy are just a few of the reasons women don’t listen to this inner guidance. However, if you’re not happy, your body can’t hide it.

3. Criticizing your body – Sex can feel vulnerable in so many ways, not the least of which is taking off our clothes and exposing our bodies. In a culture that idealizes an unrealistic standard for the female body, self-criticism and even hatred for the body is rampant among women.

Many women have told me that they are waiting to begin a relationship or have sex until they lose weight. Inside they’re thinking, “I don’t like how I look… who is going to be attracted to me like this?” This makes me so sad! Our bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and I guarantee there is a man out there who will adore the shape and size you’ve got.

Even better is the fact that the thing men are most attracted to is your energy and how you feel about yourself. If you’re feeling inhibited or critical of your body, its an instant attraction killer, no matter what shape you’re in. Conversely when you love your body, it shows. Men will find you sexy when you feel sexy. Even though there are ways you can sabatoge your sex life, there are also a lot of ways you can magnify your pleasure and sexuality before you even get to the bedroom.

Here are 5 keys to accessing your sexuality and pleasure:

1. Take care of your health: I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling sick, run down, or out of shape, I don’t feel very sexy. Not only does any fuel any judgments I might have about my body, but I just don’t feel good! For me, taking care of my health is the most important thing I can do to make myself feel sexy. So ask yourself: What else could I do to nourish my health?
2. The power of breath: Are you breathing? Or are you holding your breath? I find myself holding my breath when I’m holding stress in my body. The relationship teacher David Deida talks about how we can experience pleasure, even in our breath. How would you have to breathe–right now–so that it brings you pleasure? Try it.
3. Find sensual delight in everyday activities: Just like with the breath, its possible to experience an immense amount of sensual pleasure in ordinary activities. When you’re moving to get somewhere or accomplish something, can you enjoy it? Feel the pleasure of your hips swaying and your arms swinging back and forth as you walk. Notice the delicious sensation of the soap and water on your skin as you wash dishes. All it takes is paying attention.
4. Wear clothes you feel beautiful in: Have you ever noticed that you only wear a small percentage of the clothes in your closet? No matter how practical I’m trying to be, when I keep clothes that I don’t love, I either don’t wear them… or wish I hadn’t. Adorn yourself in a way that makes you feel sexy and beautiful, whether that’s lingere or a white t-shirt.
5. Do activities that make you feel sexy:This might be a little shameless flirting at the grocery store, a new haircut, or taking a long bath. Recently, Shana and I decided that we needed a little sexy boost, so we signed up for pole dancing classes. There’s nothing quite like swinging around in pole in a pair of 6 inch stillettos to remind you how hot you are!

What makes you feel sexy, beautiful, alive? What kinds of activities light you up? Let us know! Write to us at info@authenticwomanexperience.com.

But in the real world, it’s better to know how to deal with these strong emotions in a way that creates more connection and attraction, rather than destroys them.

We all know what doesn’t work when we’re hurt or angry. In fact, that’s when some of our worst “behavior” comes out!

Does any of this sound like you?

• When you get angry, you lash out, blame or accuse him, even though you’re really feeling hurt
• When you get angry, you withdraw, become cold, and “punish” him
• You cry when you’re really pissed
• You’re so afraid of being hurt or rejected that you don’t say the thing you’re scared to say or approach the guy you really want to meet
• You hide your hurt and anger, so you won’t be “too emotional” for him

Painful, huh? Dealing with our hurt and anger like this never gets us what we want, and will eventually kill love and attraction. So what’s an emotional and passionate creature (i.e. woman) supposed to do when we’re having a bad day—without biting his head off or pretending we’re “fine?”

Being an emotional and passionate woman myself, I get to practice all the time in my relationship. And sometimes I really blow it!

Here is an example of what NOT to do… and how to completely turn that around.

My boyfriend just got hired for a new job where he will be doing things he has never done before. He’s really excited about it, but he’s also been anxious. He gave notice at his current job (which was hard for him), and didn’t know if they’d want him to work those last 2 weeks or leave immediately.

I really wanted him to come to Costa Rica with me for a week, so I was crossing my fingers that he would have time before the new job.

He called me after he resigned and said they didn’t need him to stay for 2 weeks …AND he was not going to come to Costa Rica with me. It felt like too much for him.

I reminded him that his new boss suggested he take more time off and go on vacation with me. When I brought that up, he said “Well, I’m excited about this new job. I’m looking forward to starting.”

After weeks of being supportive while he was stressed out and distracted, waiting to find out how things would turn out, and not knowing if we were going to have any time together, I lost it.

“After all your stress and distraction, you’re telling me you’d rather start work early or sit home doing nothing with your time off than spend time with me on a tropical vacation? WTF!”
I was totally frustrated with him. But, underneath, I also felt really hurt and a little scared. It just didn’t seem important to him to make time for me, for us, and I was afraid of what that meant. So I yelled at him. Ouch.

The results of this weren’t pretty. When we got off the phone, I was still angry, hurt and scared, and he was feeling attacked, misunderstood, and really alone. We ended up resenting each other and feeling really distant.

It turned out he didn’t understand why I was really upset. I was so busy telling him why his not coming to Costa Rica was wrong and why his worries were lame that he had no idea what was really happening for me.

After I cooled off, I realized I had messed up. When I apologized for attacking him, he breathed a big sigh of relief. When I shared my hurt and fear, all his resentment toward me dissolved. I started to cry, and he really understood me. His heart melted and he just held me. He said “This is why I’m with you.”

He didn’t end up coming to Costa Rica with me, but we both felt good about our choices and we had the hottest make-out session at the airport before I flew off!

Here are some tips for dealing with hurt & anger and to create connection with men:

1. Get to the vulnerability and hurt below the anger. There is a time and a place for anger, and it’s important for every woman to have access to her anger. It helps us set our boundaries, keep ourselves safe, and say “enough is enough.” However, many of us tend to get angry when we’re really feeling hurt or scared. It’s a way to protect ourselves or try to control things. When you can drop below your defenses and vulnerably share what’s really going on, he feels like your ally instead of your enemy.
2. Don’t just tell him, show him. Convey your feelings in a way that he can feel it. If you let him see how you’re hurting without attacking him, this evokes his love and compassion. (Tip: Ask for permission first. This makes him much more willing to hear you and receive you.)
3. If you do lash out, make amends. Go back and apologize if you lose your cool and ask to start the conversation again. Then go back to step #1.
4. Get curious. It’s easy to assume that you know what happened—that he doesn’t care about you or wasn’t considering you. We think “Of course he knew this would make me upset! What was he thinking?!” The truth is, you have no idea what was going on for him. Ask and find out… you may save yourself some heartache.

Join us for the Living In Love tele-seminar on July 14th and find out more tips for being irresistible to men when you’re hurt or angry—even on a first date! Find out more and sign up here.