I don’t blame her! Of course she wants a plan. Even from where I sit, in a beautiful relationship with my husband, I still want things to go according to my plan. And they’re not!

I’m in the midst of my own baby-longing recently. I have been attempting to will my body to get pregnant. But it is not going according to plan. Letting go and surrendering to this has become the biggest spiritual practices of my life.

It is great to be a planner. It is important to be conscious about when and with whom you will have a baby. Thankfully, there are things you can do so you are more likely to find your love. Unfortunately, we also do things to push men away.

Of course you want a man to embody these qualities! That’s great! But things start to break down when you expect to attract a man who embodies these qualities, but you are not living your fullest, most inspired life.

I don’t say this to put pressure on you, but the truth is if, for example, you want to attract a man who is healthy, your health regiment needs to be going strong. If you want a man to understand you, ask yourself, do I really understand men?

This is a huge mistake women make when looking for love, but not even the biggest. Learn about the 3 biggest mistakes women make, without even knowing it, that push men away.

To get a jump start on finding your love, and loving your life, ask yourself these important questions:

*What does my fullest, brightest, most inspired life look like?

*What can I do each day to feel more inspired?

*Are the choices I’m making aligned with my deepest truths? If not, what choices do I need to make to re-align me?

You may discover it is time for a shift in an area of your life. If so, don’t panic! Start looking at first steps and keep them small. After each step, decide what your next step will be.

With love & pleasure,
Shana

Spending time with women can also make meeting a great man easier and more fun.

But our girlfriends aren’t always around on lunch breaks, during morning commutes, or running to the grocery store. And you never know where the right man for you will show up.

The key to having the man you want notice you, and feel like he can’t stop himself from approaching you, is to be available for connection in any moment (no matter what mood you’re in).

If you’re feeling sad about not being in a relationship, you can either get hard (which pushes men away) or you can be vulnerable and inviting.

Here’s something to try: Practice having your attention on your longing, your desire for love, rather than your resignation or fear about not having it.

I met my husband while I was sitting alone at a cafe, reading a book!

Let us know how it goes. Leave us a comment as you try this out.

With love & pleasure,
Shana

If time is short and you are on the go, scroll down to read my birthday wish for you in 15 seconds!

If you have 2-3 minutes, read my story about how my desires became my reality and you too can be celebrated and supported beyond your wildest dreams!

2-3 minute story:

My birthday was, by far, one of the most amazing celebrations I have ever experienced. And I hardly did anything to make it happen. I did what I love to do, and my friends took care of the rest!

I love to envision my life, so I spent an hour envisioning how I most wanted to be celebrated. I let my mind go wild and allowed every thought. Nothing was too much or too big. I wrote it all down and shared it with my friends and my husband.

My vision included looking ahead to this upcoming year. I saw that what I want most this year is to give birth to a healthy child. As I imagined giving birth I saw myself in my home surrounded by people I love.

Women were in the kitchen making tea and compresses or in our bedroom holding my hand and encouraging me. Men were sitting outside around a fire pit in our yard, holding space for the birth.

At the moment I was envisioning, we didn’t own a fire pit. Not a problem, I thought. I Googled “fire pits” on the internet, found one I loved and pasted the link into my vision for my birthday celebration and made a note that my friends could celebrate me by contributing to a fund for this beautiful copper fire pit for our yard.

As I sit on our porch, I see it now in our yard between the vegetable beds and the apple tree! They bought it for me. (One desire becomes reality – simply by discovering what I wanted and asking for it!)

A second part of my vision was to have more fun this year. Art and creative expression are FUN for me. Seeing my friends dance, sing, play music and read poetry lights me up. And, though I find it somewhat terrifying, I have a passion for writing and performing erotic poetry. So, I envisioned creating a stage for my friends and myself to step into our passions.

A friend of mine invited everyone coming to the party to consider performing. We ended up with a few hours of the most touching, sexy, hilarious performances I have seen in a long time – And they were all dedicated to me!

People wrote songs for me and recited poems that opened my heart and made me cry. And I found the courage to read my Erotic poem (see below) by inviting 6 women to enact the poem as I read it! (Another desire becomes reality – simply by discovering what I wanted and asking for it!)

A third vision was fun clothing and costume changes. I love dressing up and asked my friends to dress up too. Since shopping for fun clothes is something I love, a few days before my birthday, I dropped my mother-in-law and husband off at his cousin’s wedding rehearsal and went to do an “errand!”

I went to a store called Felicity’s Fetish to find a birthday corset. I had one hour to try on corsets and fun outfits before I was due back at the wedding dinner! I ended up buying a hot corset and…a black and silver cowgirl dress!

I admit I felt a little bit silly buying a cowgirl dress (fully outfitted with hat, lasso and skull lanyard), but I knew I had the perfect pair of stiletto boots to wear with it, AND I knew my friends would not only accept me, but love me in it!

Everyone wore their fun clothes and another desire became a reality – simply by discovering what I wanted, asking for it and doing what I love!

Another vision I had was to be appreciated and acknowledged by my friends! It is not always easy, at the end of a year, to see all I have accomplished and how I have impacted others. I imagined a few people would speak for the whole group and it would fill my heart.

What happened was a profound circle of acknowledgment, during which 20 or so friends spoke from their hearts to me. I felt so deeply seen and loved that I couldn’t deny the impact I have on the people and the world. This desire became a reality that was beyond my wildest dreams!

A month later I am still feeling sourced, energized and inspired by my birthday party! And I’m already envisioning next year!

With love & pleasure,
Shana

P.S. I included my poem at the end of the post. Note: Not for the faint of heart or anyone who flinches at the word “pussy!”

15 second version:

How your desires (no matter how BIG they are!) can become your reality and how you can be celebrated and supported beyond your wildest dreams or expectations:

1. Take the time to discover your wildest and most fulfilling desires

(Brainstorm and be a yes to everything that arises, even if it surprises or scares you!)

2. Ask for what you want
3. Receive, Receive, Receive

My poem:

Man-Handled, God-Handled

Your hand at the nape of my neck
Fingers interwoven through the black tangled curls

You grab me with a slow and powerful grip
And a slight twist
Keeping your hand close to my head

You yank
Gently
Yet with the force of a man who knows how to make me his

My eyes roll back into my head and a deep moan rises up
From my thighs
And through my throat

My head, pulled to one side
No longer with the weight of the world I carry

It is held by you
As gently as though you held my beating heart in your palm
As firmly as if you were driving a mac truck through a raging storm

I am that mac truck at times!
Attempting to take on the world at an uncompromising pace
But you know me
You see me

You open me to the steady pulse that beats my heart
Into surrender
to Spirit

Don’t know why it takes being man-handled in this life-time to let go
But I’ll take it
This doorway to the deeper beat
A green chlorophyll-like hum in my chest
A rich red raspberry rush, gush in my…

Oh…
My…

Wet
Hot

You made me wet
I couldn’t help it
It’s not my fault

And in that moment
I remember

Nothing is my fault
I am not to blame
For anything
Anywhere
Anytime

I’d love for you to leave a comment! I’ve never shared anything this personal before and I’d love to hear your responses!

With the winter months being cold and wet, it’s easy to spend a lot of time inside, hiding from the outside world.

After spending time like this we often become more aware of our natural longing for attention – our desire for our beauty to be seen and appreciated. It’s perfectly natural, especially as women, to want this. Though it can be vulnerable to admit!

When we don’t receive the attention we want from others, it’s easy to feel invisible. Luckily, as spring comes, there are opportunities all around you to be seen and appreciated! Once you start paying attention, you’ll see how enlivened you can feel moment to moment.

Start looking and you’ll find women appreciating your outfit, your hair or the way you move! Or you’ll see a man silently, sometimes shyly, glancing in your direction.

You’ll also start to see that when you offer a kind word or glance you tend get one in return. You may even notice cat-calls from an appreciative audience of construction workers. If you think they are unworthy of your time or attention, think again!

While I’m not suggesting you open yourself to disrespectful attention, don’t be so fast to assume negative intentions. Sometimes men express their appreciation awkwardly ;).

As you begin to accept adoration and appreciation, without discriminating against the source, you’ll feel start to feel more appreciated, which brightens your radiance. And you can carry that with you into your other interactions.

When I started opening to the appreciation of a group of 70-year-old men working on their cars on my street corner, I felt more infused with vitality and joy.

Almost every time I walk by, they say things like “Hey, baby – lookin’ good!” “You’re so fine!”  “You’re beautiful today!”

Rather than questioning their sincerity, I thanked them. And when I did, they brightened in return. Now we all feel appreciated!

The sad thing is that many women don’t get this daily dose of admiration, for a few reasons. The main reason is that our fears and beliefs get in the way of us enjoying and receiving attention.

Here are some of the biggest ways we block appreciation:

1. We think Strangers Aren’t Safe:

Many times, we cut ourselves off from attention when we can’t tell if we’re safe or not. We might think to ourselves “What if he is going to start following me?” or mistake simple appreciation for an invitation. So we become closed, put up walls, and refuse to make eye contact.

When you get in touch with your power and your body’s wisdom, you don’t have to put your walls up so quickly. You can discern when it’s not safe or when it is and you can have a little fun!

2.We Refuse Compliments:

It can be hard to receive a compliment with grace. A lot of times, we’re taught to be modest, and think it’s egotistical to take a compliment. We don’t want to look like we’re full of ourselves, so when someone says “You look gorgeous!” we shrink. We become shy, embarrassed, and play small.

Start receiving compliments – just say “thank you” – and recognize the difference between being egotistical and loving yourself. If you confuse thinking well of yourself with being egotistical you can get caught in a self-sabotaging cycle of not feeling enough.

3. We’re Grossed Out by the Source:

Male attention can feel really good – as long as the guy delivering it is young, hot, and acceptable to us, right? We need and want adoration, but then we’re picky about where it comes from.

Result? We reject sources of confidence-building appreciation every day. Give those guys at the gas station a break – and a chance – to show they think you’re beautiful.

One of our AWE participants made a great point. She realized she’d been wondering what it means about her if she found a man who complimented her unattractive and repulsive.

The truth is, even if you don’t find the man complimenting you attractive, he is still seeing your beauty!

When we put our heads down and “ignore” appreciative words or glances, we are not only rejecting the men who are showing their appreciation, we are also rejecting ourselves and our own beauty.

This spring, allow your beauty to come to life. Receive compliments with an open mind – no matter what the source. Revel in and enjoy them. Celebrate your beauty and let others do the same.

If you have a hard time celebrating your beauty, or allowing others to, this can have a really negative impact on your relationships, and can keep you from having the relationship you really want.

If you’re ready to move beyond this, we have just the thing coming in next week. Click here to read more…

You have men in your life, some of them very attractive, but they don’t even try to ask you out. They’ll take you out for a beer, and then talk about the gorgeous co-worker they have their eye on. They come to you for dating advice, but not for a date. You’re cute, funny, and down-to-earth, so what’s the deal?

Believe me, I know the feeling. Years ago, I was “The Friend.” I spent lots of time with men – actually, I always had more male friends than girlfriends – but that’s just it: they always remained friends.

Sometimes it seemed like all the cute men in my life were looking over my shoulder, at some woman across the room. I wanted to wave my hands in front of them and say, “Hello-o, I’m here too,” but that would have been mortifying.

I hated feeling sexually invisible. Until, that is, I started focusing a bit more on my own sensuality. When I did, like magic, male friends started looking at me differently. They were noticing me. A few of them even began to act nervous around me.

Suddenly I felt radiant, powerful, sexy. And I was asked out on a lot more dates. Male friends who never seemed to regard me as anything except a buddy started asking me out.

I quickly found out that many of my friends hadn’t really put me in the “friend” category on purpose – and it didn’t take long to get out of the friend category!

So how do you make sure you’re noticed for your sexiness, your charm, your beauty – as well as your incredible conversation skills? Here are some ideas to get you started down the path towards a new, sexy, irresistible you:

1. Heat Things Up… And Not Just In the Bedroom!

The first step is to realize that chemistry starts in your body more than in your brain. Sure, good conversation can add to a feeling of chemistry during a fun date, but it’s not usually where it starts.

Your body is an instrument of pleasure. It can bring you intense feelings of ecstasy, and if you pay attention, it can bring you moments of sensuality when you least expect it.

Start enjoying your body – for how it looks, how it feels, how it moves you through the world. Pay attention to the way your hips sway when you walk, how your hand feels on your thigh when you’re sitting at a table.

Tap into the pleasure that lives in your body during each moment. Once you start paying attention and enjoying your body, soon you won’t be the only one!

2. Move From Self-Conscious to Self-Aware

Are you always worried about how you look? Do you change your personality just a little to make sure your crush or date still likes you? Are you concerned about what you sound like when you talk to the cute guy at work?

Start putting less value on how you appear to men, and start shifting your energy towards enjoying yourself in the moment. What do you feel like doing? Maybe you want to take a long hot bath, or stroll through a cute neighborhood.

Shifting your gaze from your perceived faults to your wants and needs is one of the fastest ways to become less self-conscious – and more self-confident.

3. Be the Sexy, Fun Woman You Are – Not Just One of the Guys

Re-discovering your feminine side is key when it comes to getting out of the “Friend Zone.” Start celebrating your womanliness, your softer and more sensual side.

Go ahead – allow guys to open the door for you. Graciously accept chivalrous behavior and let the guys in your life be gentlemen. Don’t insist on always being entirely self-sufficient or perfectly “together.”

Allow your desires and enjoy your emotional side. Discover what being a woman truly means for you and have fun with it. Next time you’re invited to go to dinner with some male friends, wear your favorite dress. Look and feel sexy, flirty, in a way that feels good to you! Chances are, you won’t be “one of the guys” for long!

4. Get a Little Help From Your (Girl) Friends

Introduce your single girlfriends to some of your single guy friends – and ask them to do the same for you. Set up a fun night where you can all get together in a low-key setting, at your favorite bar or café. Give everyone – including yourself – an opportunity to have good flirty fun.

If you live in the Bay Area, we want to do this with you! Our February night out is a “Man Swap,” where you can meet some potential suitors and have a fun night on the town.

Bring one of your great single guy friends- a man who is a real catch but just not right for you. You can bring your girlfriends too, but make sure they all bring a cute single man too.

This will be the perfect opportunity to relax and unwind with other incredible people and, if you want to, you can heat things up a little bit too! Hope to see you there!

But this year, instead of just hoping you’ll meet him, let’s do something different: let’s assume you will.

Close your eyes and imagine that you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the perfect guy is waiting right around the corner.

I know what you’re thinking. “Okaaay… that’s great, but I don’t actually know I’m going to meet him. So what’s the point of getting my hopes up?” This exercise takes a little bit of creativity, so bear with me. When you live as if you know you will meet him, your life will change for the better.

A lot of times, the choices we make are based upon assumptions we have about the future. For instance, if you assume that you’re never going to be rich and successful, you’ll make choices that reflect that belief – you may only apply for entry-level jobs, and pass up better opportunities.

The same goes for relationships. If you assume you’ll never meet Mr. Right, you’ll make choices that actually keep you from meeting him. Your own assumptions about the future have a bigger impact on your life than you think.

If you assume you’ll never meet Mr. Right, you might stay with a current boyfriend whom you know isn’t right for you, because if you break up with him, you “know” you’ll be alone for the rest of your life.

You might go on lots of crappy dates with guys you could care less about, because you don’t want to be lonely. You might stay at home with a big bowl of ice cream on Saturday night because, well, what’s the point of going out if you won’t meet the perfect guy?

If you assume you won’t meet him, you probably won’t.

If, on the other hand, you assume you will find this wonderful man, your life will look very different. If you believe you will find him, your attitude and energy will shift; you will feel happier and more self-assured.

And men are drawn to that. As are other opportunities for friendship, wealth… you get the idea. Most importantly, when you believe you can and will have what you desire most, your life becomes a lot more fun! At this point, you’re no longer waiting, you’re simply living. Here are 3 steps to help you get the most out of this new year and start you on a path towards meeting your Mr. Right – while having fun along the way.

Step 1: Envision it. Close your eyes and believe that you will meet Mr. Right this year. What will your life look like, now that you know he’s out there? What choices will you make?

You can finally stop dating Mr. Good-Enough, knowing that Mr. Right is waiting around the corner – you no longer need to put up with a bad relationship, because now you don’t have to worry about being alone if you break it off.

And when a guy who isn’t your type asks you out, you know you don’t need to waste your time, so you confidently say “no thanks”. Instead of going on a bunch of bad dates, you start taking a yoga class every Friday evening.

Now that you don’t have to worry about finding the right guy, you have more time and energy to spend on other important relationships in your life; when you go out with friends, you’re fully present and your friendships deepen as a result.

Now that you know you’ll meet the perfect guy this year, you don’t need to worry about finding love – and you have more fun than ever. Envision as many details of this new life as possible.

Step 2: Compare. Now, think about the way you are living your life today. How does it compare with the picture you just painted? If you’re unlucky in love, examine the assumptions you’ve had and the choices you’ve been making.

If, deep down, you assume you’ll never find the perfect guy, you might find yourself in less-than-perfect relationships that actually keep you from finding him.

If you believe that true love isn’t possible, you may avoid intimacy altogether. Take some time to explore your current assumptions and beliefs around love, work, and any other area of your life that needs improvement.

Step 3: Live It. Go back to step 1 and assume that you will meet your man this year. Once you picture what your new life looks like, start living it!

Dating a guy who doesn’t make you happy? Kick him to the curb – Mr. Right is out there waiting for you, so make some room in your life for him. Spending Friday nights alone? Go out with your friends and catch up with them. Now that you’re not worried about meeting that special guy, you can pamper yourself – treat yourself to dinner, enroll in a new class that interests you, and start having some fun!

Enjoy yourself and celebrate your freedom – after all, as we both know – you won’t be single forever!

I often wonder things like this. Will I do it as well as s/he did? Will I be as attractive, as eloquent, as clear, as powerful, as inspiring…?

And then I think that if I’m not, it may be time for me to give up, or not even pursue something in the first place!

Then I noticed a weight in my chest and a tiredness in my shoulders. And I remembered how many women I’ve heard talk about this fear.

And, with a deep sigh, I felt sad about how much it keeps us from the love and connections we want most. So I decided to be vulnerable, to risk looking weird, neurotic, or even un-evolved (my favorite!) & share this with you.

You might not like, trust or respect me more after reading this. But you might feel closer to me, trust me more, or feel less alone than you did before reading this.

I have no idea what your response will be. And that’s kind of how it goes in the world. You never really know how someone will respond. And getting closer to another person often happens only after you risk sharing something vulnerable about yourself.

So, my wish for you this upcoming year is that you know fully, deep in your bones, that who you are, the unique way you are in the world, your truth, your sensitivities, fears, desires, quirks and everything else about you…that you know that none of these take away from how amazing you are.

Because when you know this, then you don’t have to hide anything, any of you. And when you don’t try to hide parts of you, you are free! You are free to create rich and beautiful connections, even when you feel awkward, shy, uncomfortable, less eloquent or powerful than you want to feel.

And rather than walking around, secretly wondering whether there is something wrong with you, you really relax into knowing that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and that what you are feeling, thinking and wanting in this moment is okay, simply because it’s happening!

So, I hope you breathe this in, right now, and from here on out you continue to remind yourself of this. And I hope that when you find yourself forgetting, you turn to someone near you and ask to be reminded! (I’m not kidding! You’ll meet some great people doing this!)

I wish you so much love, health, peace and abundance this year. And most of all, the knowing that you are enough, right now, and in every moment, just as you are!

With love, gratitude & vulnerability,
Shana

A while ago, I woke up and started thinking about my husband. At first, they were random, dreamy thoughts. Nothing too specific – just scenes of our time together floating through my mind.

Then, I thought to myself, “hmmm… he hasn’t said ‘I love you,’ in a while.” I thought some more about it. He’s told me I amaze him and that he’s grateful to be with me, but not ‘I love you.’ And, my mind went to that Bad Place:

Maybe it’s a big deal…I should tell him I love him, it goes both ways…I wonder whether he will fall out of love with me some day. Most relationships are destined for failure these days. I’d rather him tell me he doesn’t love me now than years from now. It would hurt a lot less.

Ok, so now I’m awake. My heart is beating so hard you’d think I had been running for half an hour. And, I was. I was running – in circles, mentally. Sound familiar?

I’ve always thought of myself as really relaxed and easygoing. When friends came to me for advice, I’d watch as they freaked out over some relationship issue or problem at work. Inwardly, I would feel sorry for them and thank god I didn’t worry like that.

I knew people who were anxious when I was young and I vowed to never be like that. So I became attached to seeing myself as calm, cool, and collected.

Then, when I was in my mid twenties I took a meditation class. In that class, I uncovered feelings of anxiety I didn’t even know I had! I never knew that anxiety was often running in the background while I went through my days.

I had learned to ignore the feelings of worry and dread in order to appear carefree and “together.”

I began to see how large a part anxiety played in my life. I felt really anxious when I wanted to say “no” to people (I’m not great at saying no!).

If a friend invited me to a party and I didn’t feel like going, I would feel anxious and think, if I say “no” she won’t like me, or she’ll think I’m no fun and then not invite places anymore. Sometimes the anxiety would keep me from giving any answer at all. Then I’d be stuck in a bind and feel even worse.

During a great conversation with a cute guy years ago, I realized I hadn’t heard most of what he said. Instead, I was trying to hide that I was nervous and was off in my own little world. I realized then that anxiety was getting in the way of my relationships and that I needed to do something about it.

Once I started paying attention I’d feel the anxiety I’d been living with, without even knowing it. Sometimes it felt worse at first to feel it. But over time I found I could ease the anxiety and not let it completely take over.

So how can you ease your anxiety? I know it can be hard! But it is possible. Here are some simple steps that can get you started:

1. Acknowledge it. Once you start feeling anxious (you know, your heart starts beating faster, your thoughts begin to spin out of control, etc), don’t deny the feeling – recognize it. It helps me if I write down how I’m feeling, and think about why I’m worried. It also helps to tell someone I trust.
2. Take a Step. When you’re feeling anxious, counter the negative feelings with a positive action. For instance, if you’re worried about a meeting you haven’t scheduled, take out your date book and pencil in a time to schedule it. Then, go back to sleep. ;-)
3. Get Physical. Go for a run or a brisk walk. The fresh air and physical activity will give your body and mind something to do – other than worry!
4. Pamper Yourself. Take a nice, long bath or give yourself a pedicure. Turn on your favorite music or have a glass of wine.
5. Meditate. Meditation can be as simple as noticing your breath as you inhale and exhale. You can even start with what my father used to say, “take a deep breath!”

This has helped me to feel more relaxed and stay connected with people.

Lastly, if you feel anxious about your anxiety (like “oh no! I’m worrying too much! I should stop worrying. People/men won’t want to be around me if I feel like this!” – I used to think like that!)

…First of all, you’re not alone – most of us get anxious now and then. That calm, mellow friend of yours probably feels anxious too. Easing your anxiety can take time. Being patient with yourself is half the battle!

And soon, without all that worry, you’ll have room for more fulfilling relationships, more fun, appreciation of what you already have, and not to mention, a better night’s sleep.

We just had a wonderful interview with Alissa Kriteman, author, coach and creator of Just for Women:  Dating, Relationships & Sex, during this month’s Living in Love tele-seminar!

She shared:

• What to do when anxiety starts to take over and you lose YOU!
• How to stop your mind from spinning – on the spot
• What you need to know as a woman about anxiety that doctors don’t tell you

You can still have access to this interview!  If you are not already a member of our Living in Love group, join here (your 1st month is only $1)!

Members click here to visit the forum and listen to past calls.