The lesson I learned, again, on a deeper level:
(Here's to lessons repeating until we really get them)…

Last night my husband and I had a sweet night together. We reconnected, just the two of us, after weeks of exhaustion and caring for our baby. We did candle-light yoga, cuddled and ahem… got it on! It was awesome and rejuvenating for both of us.

In the past, when we've had a great time together, I would feel a rush of excitement and often say something like, "Let's do that again! Actually, let's do it every week! Wouldn't that be great?"

At which point my husband's enthusiasm would fade. "I don't want to commit to that. It feels better when it's spontaneous." He says he feels like I negate what we just experienced. It becomes less good or not enough. He says it puts pressure on him and I seem unsatisfiable (ouch!).

After that I've gotten pissed and asked why he wouldn't want more of an amazing thing. I defend my position and let him know how hurt I feel that my desire for more time with him is taken as a negative thing, as pressure. 

"It's a good thing that I want this. Why isn't my wanting more time with you a good thing?" 

Ugh. (Deflation, sadness…the bad and wrong head spin).

While there are, of course, two triggered and wounded sides to every story, I am practicing letting go of my defenses. As I do, this knot of mine is getting looser and helps me to see through his eyes as well. 

We woke up this morning. I thanked him for last night. "I LOVED it spending time with you," I said. 

He agreed. 

Pause… "Let's do that every week," I said. But this time I giggled. 

(I think he held his breath until he realized I was kidding.) 

Then we both laughed.

What a relief. A huge breakthrough! I brought self-love and humor to the situation where there's been so much tension. We finally broke a knot that had been giving us rope burn as we tugged on it every which way.

As the knot loosened I had a powerful insight!

There is a part of me that is unsatisfiable, that constantly wants more. When I don't make it wrong I see my longing. My beautiful longing! It's what keeps me alive and vital. It is spiritual. It is magical. It can never be "satisfied."

It's the part of me that desires / longs / wants…to feel connected to spirit. It's the part that wants to create love so inspiring that I shout from the rooftops. It's even the part of me that wants 12 pairs of hot boots not just one!

I am insatiable!! From shoes, to love, to God, I DO WANT IT ALL, and often!

It is only when I close my heart around that desire that it seems like pressure. It's when I fear I will never again get what I want that I get rigid and try to schedule it, to make sure that doesn't happen.

Here's what I learned from this recent situation:

1. When I let go of making myself wrong there is nothing to defend. I can then find humor in the human condition, and the tension actually dissolves.
2. I have many desires. This is simply true. When I think it's not ok to want so much then I look to others to make it ok for me. It's not fun for anyone.
3. Just because someone thinks something negative about me does not mean it's actually true. When I realize that I can hear what they say without needing to prove that I'm okay!

So, what's the difference between being Unsatisfiable and Insatiable? 

I think they are actually the opposite side of the same coin. Here's one perspective: 

When we are unsatisfiable we tend to not get filled up by the desires that are being met. We immediately jump to wanting more and ask for more from a feeling of lack, or missing. We expect our desires to be met by action from others and when they're not, we complain. 

When we are insatiable we stop to allow the fulfillment of our desires to nourish us. We bask in the pleasure. Once we do that, we open our hearts to wanting more and vulnerably ask for that desire to be met. We do not expect our desires to be met, nor do we expect to get to the destination on our desire train. We also take pleasure in the desiring, not just the receiving.  

That's my take. What do you think? 

Any experiences you've had that shed more light on this for all of us?

With love and insatiability, 

Shana

Nowadays we don't even have to leave our house to look for it. We type a few words on a computer, or even a phone, and click(!), order placed!

But how about when it comes to relationship? Does all this custom ordering keep us from really having the love we want?

I went into Peet's coffee the other day and had a "choice moment." I was having a tough day and walked in there for something warm and comforting. (We can discuss filling emptiness or stress with addictions later ;). 

What did I want? A mocha? A latte? Hot chocolate? Soy milk? Whole milk? 2%? Decaf? 1/2 caf? Whipped cream? Small? Medium? How much sugar, dairy and caffeine did I want to ingest that afternoon, in my custom order way? 

I began to wonder what impact the custom order menus have on our relationships! I'd choose you, handsome man, if it weren't for your receding hairline. Or I'd choose you, intelligent man, if you were taller. Or I'd choose you, man with a great sense of humor, if you were more sporty.

We clearly can't custom order people. But does our custom order world give us a sense of power to have things our way, and set us up for disappointment in our relationships?

I am a fan of intention, attention, manifestation…to a point. Having desires for the kind of person you want to be in relationship with is truly important. It's powerful, even necessary, to get clear about what's most important to you.

But then, can you let the less important menu items stop clouding your vision? Can you look beyond first glances and give someone a chance who you might have overlooked? 

Can you remember, if you're already in a relationship, that just because you can custom order your latte doesn't mean another person will meet all (or even most) of your needs?

When I set some of my less important desires aside, things often worked out. Most of the guys I dated who didn't start out with a fashion sense developed one over the years. I dated one guy who seemed not to be a "kissing match," but we talked 

about our kissing styles and showed each other how we each liked to be kissed. Kissing became fun and hot. 

My husband is so much of what I always wanted in a man, but let's be honest, he isn't everything! 

Tim is excited to raise our child to express himself, rather than be who we think he should be. Tim doesn't have a great sense of direction.

Tim listens intently to what I say and feel. He is more emotionally tuned in than any man I know. Tim is not fond of planning trips or dates and he can't stand Valentines Day.

I'm sure you catch my drift. 

If you're willing, over the next few weeks, try this: Get clear about 3-5 things that are really important to you and let the rest of your custom order go. 

It goes against the "law of manifestation." But think about it, if you become too comfortable having everything you want, exactly how you want it, you squash the uniqueness with which life and people can show up for you. 

I'm curious what will happen for you. Let us know! 

And let me know what you think about custom ordering and the impact on our relationships. Leave a comment below. 

With love, 

Shana 

There’s something I (Shana) want to get off my chest. 

After I share it I don’t know what you’ll think of me. 

You may trust me less. You may think I shouldn’t 

teach dating and relationship courses. Or you may 

trust me more. I really don’t know.

I’m going to take a risk because I keep finding that if I 

don’t risk, I live in fear of what might happen. I feel half 

alive. I don’t know whether others like me for who I 

really am. 

When I risk, especially when I’m scared, I discover 

whether I can be more connected with people. And 

others share their vulnerable truths with me, which 

makes life so much more rich and fun!

So here it is, the confession:

My husband and I don’t have an easy relationship. We 

don’t have one of those relationships where we are 

always sweet to each other, where we agree on 

everything and never fight. 

We are each passionate and stubborn in our own ways. 

We are wounded from our childhoods. We are scared to 

show parts of ourselves. We can be manipulative or 

harsh without meaning to be. We sometimes feel 

ashamed of our desires and lash out to protect that.

At times we're each afraid we have to “get it right,” and 

then feel uninspired to get “it” at all. We have days when 

we feel deeply in love and days when we wonder if 

we’re a good match. 

Phew! There it is. The truth.

A deep breath. It actually feels like a relief to let you 

know. I’m tired of being careful, of thinking I need to 

paint a picture of a perfect relationship to the world so I'll 

be trusted.

I’m not perfect. Neither is my relationship. A part of me 

knows this is a good thing. I’m more in tune with the the 

difficulties of love and relationship. But I still feel scared 

you’ll judge me. And I’m learning to be okay with that. 

I haven’t chosen the easy path. My relationship is even 

more complex because I look under every “stone,” to 

move through any blocks in our intimacy. I want to stay 

true to myself and live fully. I want Tim to do the same.

It’s painful to watch the facade of relationship I often see 

couples engage in. I’ve coached couples who haven’t 

paused to look into each others’ eyes for a long time, who 

no longer appreciate each other, who don’t ask questions 

to evoke each other's hearts and dreams. 

I don’t write this to judge. My bar for intimacy is really high. 

And I’d love for yours to be too. Because then you can 

have love that lights you up and inspires you. 

When you light yourself up from the inside and stay 

connected to your truth…When you uncover the wounds 

and shame that cause you to lash out or pull away…that’s 

when love is real. That's when relationship lasts, rather than 

falls apart. 

So, this year I don’t have empty promises. I can’t guarantee

you’ll live happily ever after with the love of your life. But I 

do know that you, like women who have worked with us 

have, can call a caliber of men into your life that you may 

not know exists! You can be treated with more respect and 

adoration by men than you ever knew was possible. 

You can find men who are emotionally available, and inspire 

them to open up even more with you. You can have dates that 

rock your world. You can have men come closer, rather than 

walk away. You can have passionate, connected sex. You 

can make peace with “neediness” and create a life you love. 

You can create relationships with women that are honest 

and profoundly supportive. You can be loved for who you 

truly are, by more people than you imagined being loved by. 

You can fall deeply in love with yourself and trust yourself!

This year I will continue to explore how to live in the most

alive, in-love, authentic, passionate, undefended way. I will 

continue to walk through fear and shame, to where love 

resides. I will speak my truth more often and choose what I 

really want, rather than what may make me look good or be 

desirable. 

I will be transparent, even if I think something makes me look 

stupid or inadequate. I will share my emotions even if I’m 

afraid to be seen as overly emotional or high maintenance. I 

will be me, even though I may no longer be wanted!

I invite you to join me. What do you want to create this year? 

What do you want to let go of? What parts of your 

humanness and imperfection do you want to celebrate?  

Share a comment below so we can be in this together!

With love and honesty, 

Shana

1. Leading our Irresistible Woman tele-seminar series
2. Creating a program where you get to see into minds and hearts of men
3. A great man feast –  where you discover where great men are and learn what calls them out of their hiding places!

This morning I wrote a poem called ”There’s Something About a Woman…”

It’s about how amazing you are! It’s about what a gift we are to ourselves and others when we love and express all parts of ourselves.

I wanted to share it with you, since you inspired it!

With love,

Shana

There’s Something About A Woman …

There’s something about a woman who embodies, expresses
Who boldly shares the fullness of who she is with the world

Her power and her softness
Her joy and her fierceness
Her longing and her appreciation
Her truth and her fears

There’s something about a woman who does not hide herself from others
Who feels free to show her idiosyncrasies, even when she might be judged
Who lets you know when she feels down, even when she’s afraid to “ruin” the mood
Who speaks up when she wants or needs more, even when she doesn’t want to be a burden

There is something about a woman who isn’t waiting for someone else to make her happy
Who chooses to live from the deepest places in her heart and soul
Who continually discovers what matters most to her

There is something about a woman who does away with the masks of competence and confidence
Fully knowing that she can take care of herself
But allowing others to take care of and nurture her

There is something about a woman who tends to the needs of others, but at the same time sets boundaries that nourish herself
Who knows that being generous is a powerful gift
Who can say “No” in the face of another’s need when she is depleted
But that she has the most to give when she also takes time for herself
Or sometimes when she just doesn’t want to

There is something about a woman who can play and flirt right up to the edge of her “No”
And then lovingly stop, without guilting herself or another
Who can say “No” in a way that makes a man’s day, leaving him better than before he met her
Who calls those around her into deeper conversation, connection and care

There is something about a woman who knows how to keep herself safe and can then undefend herself to love vulnerable
Who lets of go of resentment and blaming “All Men”
Who chooses to be a soulful invitation rather than a soul-denying manipulation

There is something about a woman who doesn’t hold herself back or play small, based on what others will think
Who lets go of words like ‘slut’ and ‘prude’ and steps into her true sensual and sexual desires
Who finds gratitude in the curves and lines of the body she was given
And chooses to love it as it is
Who moves in a way that solidifies her own knowing that she is a divinely beautiful creature

There is a light that emanates
A radiance that shines
An ease that melts the hearts and minds of those around her
When a woman is madly in love with herself and with life
When she sees positive intentions and reflects others’ best, rather than reminding them of their worst

A woman like this heals and connects
She is a powerful force for change and beauty
She is our reminder to honor and take advantage of this miraculous life

And though she will still desire more
Will always desire more
She feels fulfilled and at peace with her life
And has the perfect platform to reach out for what she wants next
While staying close and in tune with her own heart

I asked if he’d heard of Drs. John and Julie Gottman. I told him about the Gottmans “love lab.” In a matter of minutes, by watching how a couple fights, they predict whether that couple will stay together or not. (I may have the actual prediction wrong – it may be about whether a couple will thrive, but my possible mistake lead to my dad’s response)

My dad said, “Just because a couple stays together, doesn’t mean they should! They might fight a lot and pick on each other. So how great is it really to predict whether a couple will stay together?”

I appreciated his point. It’s something I’ve thought about since I was young. It has become my life’s passion and mission – to explore how two people can stay in a relationship together and be fulfilled and deeply connected as they continue to grow and express their truth and desires.

I knew from a young age that I would not be in a loveless marriage. I knew that in order to get married (which I thought I’d never do), it couldn’t be “until death do we part,” but instead “as long as we are both happy, deepening, becoming more alive with each other…”

Relationship for relationship’s sake is not interesting to me. Learning to love deeper, become more generous and evolve as a spiritual being…that’s what is important to me.

Sometimes people stay in relationships because of cultural or family pressures. The belief that being in a relationship is better than being single. Or that a relationship is what makes us happy.

Now, seven years into my relationship with Tim, I’ll be the first to admit that if I don’t bring happiness to my relationship, my relationship does not generate happiness. For a short while new love may bring its own happiness. But it’s not sustainable to expect the relationship to provide that for you.

These days are expectations of relationships are changing. In addition to looking for a spouse, a co-parent, a financial partner…we want the whole shebang. We want a soul mate!

And why not? Of course we do. And it’s possible to have it! More than ever it is possible to have deeply connections sexually, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, etc.

I found this in my husband and I want you to have it! But I also know it takes some deep internal exploration and humility to create a relationship that doesn’t build resentment over time.

It takes honesty and soul searching to keep the chemistry hot, and to have each person feel appreciated and understood. It takes courage and vulnerability, each person takes responsibility for how s/he breaks trust and blocks intimacy.

It is not easy to have each partner feel more vital and inspired from the relationship, rather than drained or defeated.

And so I continue to use my relationship as a personal exploration. I get messy and commit to being humble. I continue to learn how to love more deeply, knowing there is no end to this learning. Tim and I are more connected now than ever. Because we’ve worked at it!

Part of what fuels my learning is hearing from others who are as willing to deeply explore their dark sides, their passion and sensuality, relationship with their inner critic, communication, emotional expression and vulnerability.

I was interviewed this year, along with 6 other women who I find inspiring. You can check out the interview here. If it inspires you I highly recommend listening to the interviews and using the workbook.

In my interview alone, I talk about:

1. The key to attracting men to have real, sustained love,
2. What blocks the connections you really want with men,
3. The art of creating connection rather than pushing a man away,
4. Why some women don’t meet men, some women don’t meet men they want, some women don’t get commitment and some women end up with a great committed relationship,
5. What inspires a man to commit to you, rather than just date you,
6. How to inspire a man to be (or become) his greatest self,
7. What has your hurt bring you closer to someone, rather than tear you apart,
8. How to know when a guy is saying the “right,” things but does not intend to commit,
9. One of the biggest things women tend to de-prioritize that takes spark and connection out of dating and relationship.

And I’d love to hear from you!

How have you kept your relationships alive?

What is your biggest challenging in doing so?

What have you not yet found the answer to, to keep love alive?

I wish for you to have a phenomenal relationship with an amazing man, who adores and cherishes you, and meets you in the ways you want to be met!

With love and learning,
Shana

Maybe it’s a sexual desire. Maybe it’s a desire about how much time you spend together. It may be a desire about how whether he tells you when he finds other women attractive. Or that he wants to go on a trip, or move to another part of the country.

Read on to discover how to navigate desire. Because after all, we are human. So that means you WILL have different desires than your man has:

My husband left last week on a 5 week journey to the other side of the world. When we first started talking about this he said he needed a re-set. He wanted to resign from his job and take a sabbatical, a solo-journey!

Whoa! I thought. Right when we’re trying to create a family and get settled. This is a HUGE change! And one that makes us much less stable.

And yet as I thought about it more I thought about how important this felt. It is extremely important to me that he is feeling fulfilled in his career and loving how he spends his days. Both for his own sake and because if he’s not, I won’t really get to have him. I would get a watered down, uninspired version of him.

It’s NOT easy to send my man across the world and have him return without a job(!), for this long stretch of time. (My acupuncturist “gracefully” reminded me just before he left, “Who knows what will happen?! He might renounce worldly desires and become a wandering monk! Anything is possible!”)

Hmmm…

Well, it’s not likely (especially with the love notes I’m getting about how much he misses me), but the point is that he has desires that don’t always seem to me like the best option in the moment! And in facing his desires, I’m forced to face the unknown and my fear of what might happen. I also have to / get to (I think both are true) look at my own tucked away, set aside desires!

It is often easier to compromise and let go of desires “for the sake of a relationship,” than risk knowing and talking about what you want. For the seven years we’ve been together, I have wanted to do another meditation retreat.

For the first four or so years of our relationship, one thing that stopped me from going was the fear that if I left for ten days he would fall in love with another woman. A ridiculous fear on the one hand, but many women have this fear – if we leave a man alone he will replace us with someone else.

When we are run by our fears, rather than our desires, relationships get funky. People get resentful and distant, even sneaky.

I want our marriage to be a partnership where we support each other in doing what most is important to us, staying alive and vital, rather than becoming dull from compromise and supposed to’s.

Because human beings are all unique, it’s impossible to find a man who wants everything you want and likes everything you like. That might actually be quite boring. Someone else’s different interests brings variety to your life.

So, the next time the man you love, or are dating, starts to bring up his desires, and they don’t quite fit with the picture of what you want, take a deep breath and listen! Really listen! Not the half listening, half defending your viewpoint that we sometimes do (I am guilty of this!)

Get curious about what he wants.  And consider the impact on him if he does not do or have what he wants. It may not be a big deal for him. But it may be huge. Think about who you want to be for this man – someone who supports his dreams and desires or someone who stands in the way of them?

Then put attention on your own desires! What have you not been doing that you really want? What have you never done that you’d love to do?

While I really miss my husband and often wish he was with me, I’m also finding freedom in not planning around another person. I am planting a garden, writing and meditating more, cooking and spending more time with my girlfriends.

And when he gets home I think we will have a freshness and an aliveness that we wouldn’t have if we held on tight and didn’t support each other’s desires.

Let me know what you think. Comment below!

With love,
Shana

When I work with men I sometimes look through the lens of “how would it feel to date him?” I notice my responses when I see and hear him, when I’m near him. I pay attention to what I feel in my body and heart.

I feel how strong his presence is, how embodied he is, how deeply he appreciates me (and all women), how clear he is about what he wants, how able he is to communicate his desires, how much he feels relaxed and clear with his sexual energy.

"One" by Alex Grey

I also consider whether I would feel understood and emotionally connected with him, whether I would trust him to hold my vulnerable parts, and whether I feel turned on by him. And I tell him the truth!

I share this without criticizing or making him wrong. I share with compassion; as an ally, as someone who cares about him and wants him to have what he wants, and as someone who knows that his blind-spots keep him from that.

My client asked me why I didn’t trust him to hold my emotions. I shared that as I witness him relate to his own emotions, I imagine he would try to pacify me and tell me everything is okay.

I want someone who won’t run when it gets intense. I want a man who can walk into the darkness with me, rather than try to point out the rainbows in the middle of a thunderstorm!

“Whoa!” he said. “I’m shocked!”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I totally do that,” he said. “It’s crazy that you know that about me, that you can tell that. And we only talk on the phone! You’ve never even seen me!”

“Yes,” I said. “I can hear it in your voice. I can it feel your body. I pay attention to the speed and tone of our conversation, to how deeply you receive what I say, where your attention is, what you choose to say and not say…”

Human beings are complex! There is a lot going on. We tend to forget that, even as we attempt to hide or protect ourselves, people can feel us. And they can feel us from the moment they lay eyes on us, before we even say a word.

Of course, each person’s ability to do this is unique. And beyond that, the capacity to put what one feels into words ranges as well. And there is also one’s degree of willingness to be honest…

But even if a man can’t put what he’s feeling or noticing into words, he’s still responding to it. This is what draws him closer or not. This is what makes him feel inspired or bored. This is what has him want to commit or not.

We all have blind-spots; ways we push people away that we can’t see ourselves. Sometimes we can find them on our own. Sometimes we can’t. However you do it, finding them is one of the fastest ways I have seen women shift from not attracting any men, to attracting great men, and from dating men who won’t commit to men who are inspired and proposing marriage.

One way to find blind-spots is to think about what is missing in your life– something you really want. (I know the manifestation gurus may give me a funny look on this one, not focusing on the positive, but it works.) Then consider what you could possibly be doing that gets in the way. Brainstorm while practicing having tons of compassion for yourself!

Another way to find your blind-spots is to work with a coach. There’s no shame in getting help. We all need it. I think it’s weird that we’ve been encouraged to do this alone. Even as a relationship coach, I have a relationship coach!

If you’re interested in 3 of the biggest blind-spots I’ve found many women have, click here to find out more… It is incredibly helpful to know you’re not alone and to know what you can do with these blind-spots once you are aware of them.

I’m also considering creating a teleseminar or CD set about how to do what I do with men; how to deeply see and feel them, and communicate that in a way that inspires them to be closer to you and step into their greatness.

Learning this that creates more intimacy in romantic relationships, more ease and effectiveness in business, more closeness in family relationships and friendships… If you’re interested in that, leave comment and let me know what would be most helpful for you…

For now, start paying attention to your body and heart when you are around people. And if you want to be bold, start a conversation with someone. If you’re feeling a heaviness in your heart with someone you might ask if they feel sad. If you feel a lot of energy in your body you might say so and see how s/he responds.

You’ll start having deeper conversations as you do this and may even discover some of your own blind-spots. Let us know how it goes!

With love,
Shana